The MamaFesto

THE MAMAFESTO HAS MOVED!

2011-09-21T10:27:00.000-04:00

If you're wondering about the lack of posts lately, it's because The Mamafesto has moved. We're now being powered by Wordpress instead of blogger and you can find us there. You should be able to subscribe vis email or RSS over at WP as well, and can still find us via www.TheMamafesto.com.

As Cool As I Am...

2011-09-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

Earlier this week I wrote a guest post for Be Cool Boys on being...well, what else? Cool.

And you know what?

I felt a little bit like a fraud.

Oh, sure - I whole heartedly believe in what I wrote about...about how being "cool" is all about feeling confident in yourself and your choices. I continue to preach this message to EZ in the hopes that he'll internalize it and it will be come his reality.

But my reality?

I still remember middle school and high school.

I remember having to wear a turtleneck underneath my genie costume on Halloween and how that one piece of fabric immediately zapped all bits of "cool" from it.

I remember my mom getting me the wrong kinds of leggings in middle school. She got me a pair with elastic footing, when all the "cool girls" were wearing ones that stopped right at your ankle.

I remember having glasses and braces in 9th grade and how I was certain that was the end of my social life (before it even began).

I remember only being able to shop at The Gap when they had big sales, and feeling that my "coolness" level somehow shot up 10 points the days I wore my clothes from there.

And looking back? Those moments kind of sucked. But then...

I also remember going to the salon only days before high school graduation and having my hair sheared off, leaving me with less than 2 inches of crazy curls and loving the freeing feeling that accompanied it.

I remember rocking a candy necklace as jewelry, and not even caring that it wasn't the silver or gold others sported.

I also remember shopping with friends at a vintage store for my prom dress and rocking the heck out of a strapless, sea-foam green, taffeta dress while everyone else wore variations on short & sexy.

And today, at 31, I go back and forth between the whole cool thing. I try to live what I shared with EZ. I try to project the confidence that I feel. But that can be tricky when I falter, seeing other moms in fashionable clothes, having it all together while I barely stumble through with a semi clean shirt and pair of jeans. (oh...that perfect mom myth is constantly my undoing!)

We all have off days, but most days I'm "on." I follow my own trends and style (which really is lack-of-style, but I own it, and that's cool...with me). I figure it's had to have made some sort of impact on EZ who rocks his own unique style of clothes. If we could just instill the notion that confidence = cool, then maybe we'd all have a lot more "on" days.

*I'd be remiss if I didn't include the fantabulous song from which I stole this blog title from...let it be the anthem for this post. No fear. Embrace the cool. (and really, despite the perfect or flawed outside...aren't we all somewhat similar inside?)

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Liz

2011-09-15T08:00:00.000-04:00

Name:  Liz Crossen
Age:  23
Occupation:  Full-time Student; Server; Teacher’s Assistant; Research Assistant
Location:  Central PA

Liz & her sons

How do you define feminism?   
Feminism has taken on different meanings to different women in different historical and social contexts. As there is no blanket definition or experience of womanhood, so too there is no blanket understanding or goal of feminism. It is not a single oppression, ideology, or experience that makes up the whole of feminism, but instead it is the fragments, the discontents, the demand for recognition of the myriad voice and experience that shapes a woman’s experience, only then connecting it to the larger context. For me, when thinking of or discussing feminism and women, we must always say “which women?”

When did you 1st identify as a feminist?   
Oh, probably when I was very young. I think my generation, raised largely with the privileges fought so hard for by the previous generations, largely shies from defining as feminist. We tend to see these privileges as entitlements without understanding how fragile they are. So, growing up in a middle-class household where my sister and I were both given only our mother’s last name, both of my parents held advanced degrees and worked full time, “free choices” like abortion, birth control, work and educational opportunities, motherhood and all the aspects of it, etc were there for me without question, to take or leave as my own individual right. I believe I actually adopted the title for myself at 14 or 15.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?   
My definition has absolutely changed, indeed quite significantly. For quite sometime, my personal feminism and what I believed feminism to be was this ideology of choice, an ideology so strongly entangled with American individualist rhetoric. I never really considered who could make these “choices” and this was in part because I could, I had the privilege of choice. I saw women as women who shared similar oppressions and the same oppressor without much complexity. Like so many women, my life experiences have shaped my relationship with feminism.

I had my first son when I was a junior in high school, eleven days after my 17th birthday. I had a guidance counselor who really did not want me in school, she wanted me to drop out, and I was only able to fight her coercion for so long. I finished out my junior year and got my GED that August. Leaving high school was incredibly discouraging and at that time, I gave up on higher education. I began apprenticing to be a homebirth midwife and that combined with new motherhood really gave me a feminist identity centered around choice more than ever before. Motherhood- my own, my mother’s, and the women I worked with- became my world, defining my feminism in black and white. I thought feminist motherhood was breastfeeding, homebirth or natural birth, organic foods, and even staying home as opposed to working out of the home. My mother told me I needed to go to school, get a degree, put my son in day care, and be able to support my son and myself if and when I left his father, who was becoming increasingly selfish and abusive. Along with some other dramatic life changes, my apprenticeship ended abruptly and bitterly, my future seemed to vanish. I needed a paying job, I needed to leave the boys’ father, and I began (very slowly!) gaining confidence to start school and choice gave way to necessity.

My feminism now has so little to do with choice. It is about my privileges and how those privileges contribute to the disadvantage of others. I am much more aware now that I have feet planted in two worlds, as many of us do and that we can be as much the oppressor as we are the oppressed.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?   
I actually struggle some with openly identifying as a feminist because the negative connotations associated with it can close off possibilities for creating change before they even begin. When I say this, I am talking less about distancing myself from the angry, bitter, man-hating stereotypes and more the privileged, white-washed feminism that so frequently has and does dominate the mainstream. A lot of people believe feminism is not for them because issues most publicized like the pay-wage gap or “the mommy wars” for example mean little when you’re earning minimum wage and the concern is if you can put food on the table, not what food gets put on the table. So, I tend to discuss feminist issues, do feminist research, and be a feminist without first calling it or myself such.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I think with the increasingly conservative climate and serious economic issues in the US, there will likely, hopefully be a surge in feminist activism on a larger level. What we must remember and I fear we are going to learn the hard way is that any right we have was not handed to us and it is not an entitlement; these rights can be taken, they are being taken. I am not just talking about women because it is those who are not in power (those of us who are not white, upper/middle-class, heterosexual men) whose rights are the most fragile and the first to be taken, if they are not an illusion altogether. Social movements are born of necessity and it is hard to imagine how things could become more dire than now, though I know it can and I fear that is what it will take to force us from this place of passivity and compliance.

Liz is a mom to two boys, Makena age six and Judah age four, co-parenting with her partner Sarah, a dog named Solomon, and a cat named Wietzie Bat. She is about to finish her undergraduate degrees in Women Studies and Sociology with a minor in African American Studies and then hoof it to grad school.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Diamonds & Hammers...Oh My.

2011-09-13T11:49:00.003-04:00

Because pushing stereotypical gender toys to toddlers wasn't starting early enough, Fisher Price has come out with a set of rattles, marketed towards babies ages 3-18 months.

Am I shocked or surprised?

No.

Am I disappointed?

Yes.

Princess Free Zone has already written up a well-thought out post explaining all the reasons these rattles are feeding into the problem of gender stereotypes (and nicely addresses the "So What?" argument I hear way too frequently).

Of course, I couldn't help but add my own two cents:

Let's break this down quickly. For anyone who has a kid (or anyone with a lick of sense), we know that a 3 month old isn't going to be swayed one way or another based upon a rattle. An infant girl isn't going to play with her faux diamond, pink, plastic rattle and cement her membership in the girly-girl club, nor will an infant boy demand a trip to Home Depot for some tools of his own after gnawing on his hammer rattle.

So why am I getting so riled up about this?

It's because of the fact that Fisher Price feels that babies this young are already categorized by gender and should be catered to as such. They compound the issue with the accompanying phrases on the packaging.

Sweet Baby Girl vs. Busy Baby Boy

These just play into the falsehood of how some of society views babies: Sweet, docile baby girls versus loud, active baby boys. Toys that reinforce this notion simply perpetuate the falsehood.

I'll let Fisher Price in on a little secret...a 3 month old baby girl has no real concept that she's playing with a faux diamond rattle. In fact, she has no idea of the weight that little rattle in her hand actually possesses. Yet, as she grows up, those ideals will continue to be reinforced, over and over again - through toys, clothes, TV shows, movies, and more, until she gets to the point where she starts to buy into it, whether she truly believes in it or not.

Our kid's will be inundated with stereotypical gender messages throughout their entire childhood. Being a new parent is exhausting enough, do we really need to tire ourselves further by dealing with gender stereotypes this early out of the gate?

There are plenty of other options out there...

EZ chomping on a wooden rattle at 3 months old. No diamonds or hammers here!

And really, the mama in me is also kind of against these types of toys in general because...why? Why do babies need all this stuff (another post for another time, to be sure).

EZ playing with a favorite "toy" - a spoon.

Our consumerist culture has pushed us to the point where diamond rattles for 3 month old baby girls is somehow acceptable. If trends like these catch on, I'm almost fearful of what comes next...

(Toy manufacturers...please don't see that last sentence as a challenge. Really.)

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Avory

2011-09-13T08:00:00.000-04:00

Name: Judith Avory Faucette
Age: 26
Occupation: blogger/writer/activist/non-profit professional
Location: Baltimore, MD/Washington, DC

Avory

How do you define feminism?
My personal definition of feminism is "radical opposition to patriarchy." This is a little different from the typical man/woman centered definition, since I'm not binary-gendered myself, and I also think that it's more logical to talk about feminism in all its incarnations by centering the discussion around patriarchy. Patriarchy is a big, underlying structure that hurts us in so many ways. Although it's "male," it isn't just about men--it's about things like narrowly defining gender, limiting ways to practice masculinity and femininity, and depending on binary identities, as well as institutionalized racism, incarceration, oppression, xenophobia, colonialism, war, and many other "big bads." I use the phrase "radical opposition" because it's very difficult to practice feminism without attacking the underlying structures of society. My feminism is about boldly challenging the media, educational institutions, the military-industrial complex, and the government. A couple of years ago, I renamed my blog Radically Queer to reflect this focus to my feminism.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I didn't claim a feminist identity until midway through law school, in my early twenties. I had a very narrow understanding of feminism, as something that was mostly about equal pay and related issues. Over time, I started to engage online and learned that feminists were digging into all sorts of issues of interest to me, from queer cultures to the rights of women of color to activism for pregnant women to anti-poverty and prison abolition work. The anthology Yes Means Yes (eds. Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti) was my feminist "click" moment, when I started to see how misogyny and patriarchy have operated unseen underneath my life pretty much from Day One.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
Yes. As you can see from the above two questions, it's become broader. As my own gender identity has shifted from female to genderqueer, I've started to understand how "gender" isn't just about men and women, and how patriarchy is damaging to everyone. Of course, simple sexism does occur, but I think it's important for feminists to focus on the most marginalized people in our communities, including queer people, trans people, people of color, immigrants, poor people, people with disabilities, incarcerated people, etc.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
I've actually experienced more resistance from social justice folks than from what I'd call "anti-feminists." At first, I would say things like "I think you probably are a feminist but just don't realize what feminism is doing now." I've changed my tune, because although a lot of feminists are focused on racism and classism and imperialism and queer/trans issues, there are also a lot of upper-middle-class young white women in Brooklyn who operate the big feminist websites, and some (not all) of those women have said some pretty shitty things about marginalized communities. So now I'm more encouraging of people doing great work, whatever they identify as, and I specifically identify myself as a queer feminist or radical feminist, because that's an important distinction for me.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I hope that feminism will continue to focus on marginalized communities and intersections with other areas of social justice work. I also hope that feminists with resources will put funding towards the great grassroots work that's going on all over the world in local communities, and that we'll continue to challenge each other when we make a faux pas. I also hope that feminism becomes more sustainable, that it's something we can make a full time job of if we so choose.

Judith Avory Faucette is a queer feminist legal activist and the voice behind the blog Radically Queer. Avory also runs Girl w/ Pen and writes a monthly column at Gender Across Borders. Zie is published in the Journal of Gender, Race, and Justice and has a JD from the University of Iowa. Zie writes and speaks about queer feminism, international human rights, sexuality and the law, and non-binary genders. You can follow hir work @queerscholar on Twitter.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Quick Hit: Peter & Jane

2011-09-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

My folks have been renovating their house, which in turn means lots of boxes and bags of stuff end up at my house because, "~~we don't want in anymore - get rid of it!~~ we thought you'd like it."

And for the most part, I do! They've given us a bunch of great cookbooks and a ton of books that either my brother or I used to read all the time. However, in the latest batch of books I found this gem:

A reading primer from 1964 that I had never seen before.

My love for all things nostalgic kicked in and I immediately started flipping through it, leaving the pile of Curious George and Magic School Bus books to be sorted through later.

It's not that I'm surprised, really. I kind of assumed Peter and Jane were going to hit those stereotypical gender roles over our heads something fierce, but I held out a little hope that maybe...just maybe, Jane would toss on a pair of overalls and Peter would pick out a stuffed puppy.

Thankfully, only five minutes after I had flipped through Play With Us, EZ ran up to me and insisted we read from the stack of Eric Carle books that had also shown up in this particular box from my mom.

Bugs in my kids literature? Sure. That, I can get behind.

How To Make A Baby

2011-09-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

This guest post was written by a friend who is frustrated, angry and tired over a process this is supposedly there to help her. She wanted a platform to share her story and I was more than willing to do what I could. While creating a baby for some is as easy as one fun night, for others it's not as simple. And for other's yet, it's a painstaking journey...

We have been going through this crazy process to try to make a baby—build our family. We are two thirty-something women, who have been together for over 11 years, married for over 5 years, own our own house (or at least the bank does for another 20+ years), live in semi-rural New England with our two cats, have post-graduate degrees, and a huge community of loving friends and family that support us from one mile down the road to the West Coast, across the globe, and many places in between. We are financially stable, have good professions, physically healthy, and emotionally (in general) stable. We are culturally Jewish and identify with spiritual teachings from many religions, including Judaism. We have a garden that can sometimes successfully group tomatoes and squash, and we often forget, or simply don’t make the time, to weed.

Our lives have included their fair share of strife and difficulties, just like many, if not most, other people; and at times we have dealt with it better than others. But trying to make a baby has been no small feat. First off- we had to decide on where we would get our sperm. After debating known versus anonymous donor, we opted for a cousin, so that our child would be biologically related to both of us. I am going to be the birth mother with my partner’s cousin’s sperm. We had only the most positive experience and response when discussing this with her cousin- him wanting nothing more than to help us have children. I am ever so grateful for his loving kindness. Now to get the sperm to my egg… he lives out of town, so if he isn’t in town, we have it shipped, overnight, in a kit that keeps it viable for 24-48 hours (thank you gayspermbank.com).

Either we inseminate at home, or I go to my midwife who washes it, spins it, and inserts it past my cervix [Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)]. We know the timing, or hope we get the timing right, because I chart my temperatures and cycles daily, pee on ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) every so often, and sometime I even go and get an ultrasound to quadruple check. This is all because I am blessed with irregular cycles, for which they have found no known direct cause other than possibly Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), although blood tests do not confirm this diagnosis.

So we have been doing this for 20+ months. Friends I was trying to get pregnant with are celebrating their babies’ one-year birthdays. Please, don’t hear that as complaining- it is wonderful to celebrate their lives and it is also a reminder of how long and difficult this has all been.

We started with one midwifery clinic and had an awful, unprofessional experience there. One midwife reprimanded me (for what I still don’t understand), while I was in the stirrups butt naked. She ended up taking a leave and has retired early—something that validates my experience and saddens me for her difficulties. We switched to another midwife center and have received loving, compassionate, and accepting care. I text my midwife when I get a positive OPK and we schedule via texting. We share 1-2 hours a month while she cleans the sperm and I warm the wash.

After six months of trying on our own and 14 months of IUIs, we decided to consult a the local hospital’s reproductive medicine center to see what our next options were. Having completed one cycle of clomid that made me feel so crazy that I thought I was going to jump off a bridge, I needed to know other options. We met with Dr. L, who immediately told us what my health insurance would cover before laying an eye on me. We told her we had a known donor who had been tested for STIs and HIV and with whom I had been inseminating with for 20 months. She commented, “You know we don’t like that here.” She did not look at my charts, my cycles, my medical history, or my wife in the eye. She told us to go right to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and switch to an anonymous donor because it would be more efficient. As if our donor decision has not been well thought out and emotionally involved.

Dr. L stated numerous excuses as to why they would not work with us with a known donor unless we quarantined the sperm ($) at a sperm bank ($$) for six months to test it twice ($$$) for STIs, and then freeze the sperm and ship it ($$$$) to their facility. She said it was a waste to do it that way because it would cost over $5,000. [Which at this point in time I would pay $5k for a child in a heartbeat.] I will comment that the actual cost of this is more like $3,000, but the fact that it is put off for six months just because I am not married to him feels ridiculous. Dr. L explained that due to the guidelines that the hospital follows, while a heterosexual couple could move immediately to IVF, a lesbian couple has to quarantine the sperm for six months, even if the individual has been exposed to the sperm prior to IVF. Basically, if I had to come to the clinic with just the donor and we said we wanted to have a child I would have moved to IVF IMMEDIATELY without having to pay any such sperm bank costs.

We argued these points, but to no avail. We were met with even more blatant discrimination (oh did you know, by the way, that sperm banks certified by the ASRM [American Society of Reproductive Medicine]- which this clinic only accepted sperm from- you can’t be a gay male—or rather you can’t have had sex with a male in the past 5 years. There are hundreds of other rules too about being out of the country, so on and so forth, but having sex with a male was #1). Then there was Dr. L’s comment about how we needed to go to counseling (I’m a psychologist) to deal with our “issue.” I inquired about the subject of “issue”—my infertility or the way we are choosing to make our family and was told the latter. And don’t let me forget the moment where my wife told the doctor that we knew it was not her intention exactly, but we felt discriminated against by her actions. She replied, “It’s okay for you to feel that way.”

Dr. L claimed that they could not separate the social (my state-recognized marriage) from the medical (my inseminations with the donor) because they had a “moral obligation.” She explained this with an example of a family in which children had been removed from the home and how the hospital would have a moral obligation not to offer that couple IVF. We, as two women with a known donor, were being compared to a family in which children were removed from the home for abuse and/or neglect. This was Dr. L’s attempt to have a “mutual agreement” as to why the hospital would eventually deny us equal services that would have been offered had I been a married heterosexual woman, a single woman with a male partner, or had I simply just come in with the donor and said that we wanted to have a child (a.k.a. lied—kind of like we are forced to do on our federal tax forms, but I digress…).

Needless to say, they denied us services for what we believe is discrimination based on how we are choosing to create a family. She neglected to send us her policies as we requested and it took over four weeks for me to get a copy of the records I requested and testing I had done there. They charged me $3.25 for the copies after billing my insurance company over $1,000 for the two 30-minute visits and even more for testing. (I had a Hysterosalpingogram [HSG] done and while they gave me a time to arrive, they took me 90 minutes later than my scheduled time. When I inquired, I was told to take deep breaths and relax (have I mentioned I am also a trained yoga instructor?), even though a sign in the waiting room stated “if you are not taken within 15 minutes of your scheduled appointment, please inquire with the receptionist.” Oh, and I was told to take 800 mg of Ibprofen 30-minutes before the procedure which I was now concerned was beginning to wear off.)

Finally we are done with this clinic, and while we are considering letter writing or letters to the editor, we cannot expend our energy on it until we have a child. We really just want a baby - one that is of both of our genetics, and for some reason this is so confusing to the reproductive medicine center at our local hospital.

So we try a second reproductive clinic. This one is two hours away with a satellite office one hour away. We don’t hesitate to go. We are treated with significantly more respect—find out that the owner/medical director is an out gay male—and are allowed to more forward with IVF, with just a few stipulations. 1) We need a contract by a lawyer, reviewed by my wife’s cousin’s lawyer, stating the financial/parental responsibility of the to be child; 2) the donor needs to attend one session of counseling to prove that he knows he is making this decision (have I mentioned that he is a scientist, his father a lawyer and his mother a psychologist?); 3) he needs to have blood tests, again, within 7 days of depositing his sample or “donation” if you will- he has to freeze his donation ($) so that they can ship it ($$) to our facility; 4) I need to have additional genetic testing and infectious disease screening, as well as proof that I have been vaccinated and/or exposed to a host of childhood diseases. I have already had 2 rounds of genetic testing, 3 rounds of hormonal panels, 2 rounds of thyroid panels, 2 rounds of glucose screening, 3 rounds of infectious disease screening, and 2 rounds of blood type screening; 5) I need to have a physical within one year of IVF- apparently they only really need to listen to my lungs and heart, and even though all the reproductive doctors are physicians (and wear stethoscopes around their necks), none can listen to my heart and lungs without a separate appointment; 6) pap smear within a year (thankfully I did that!); 7) hormonal panel on day three of cycle (done!); 8) uterus cavity examination (I have had not just one but two of these) and… screeching halt… 12 cycles of IUI with three cycles using follicular stimulating hormones. Well, even though I have been trying for 20 months, thus exposed to sperm for 20 months, there is a chance that my health insurance company won’t accept that and that they will only count IUIs and unfortunately I have only had 10. (Again, if I were hetero- no problemo!). Oh, and even though I ovulate on my own without difficulty (irregularly, but only 1 out of 18 cycles have been anovulatory), they want to stimulate the heck out of my ovaries so that my hormones are out of whack for the two months BEFORE IVF. I was recently put on an anti-diabetes drug (metformin) for the PCOS. I am hoping that the insurance company will count that because I start a new job next month and the following month my wife has ACL surgery, so I really don’t want to go crazy for all of that. (By the way, my mom has breast cancer and went through surgery, chemotherapy, and now radiation while I was going through all this, finishing a doctoral program, writing and defending a dissertation, my wife had her ski accident, and more people in my life died than I can easily count.) It has been a year of trauma, topped off with disappointment, frustrations, stress, and discrimination.

So here we are, I’m in weekly acupuncture, taking herbs, trying to prepare my body for an onslaught of hormones, waiting to hear what my insurance company, not my doctor or midwife, will dictate about my treatment. I have to get permission from more adults in power for making a wanted child and yet 16 year olds are not taught about protected intercourse and find themselves unknowingly and unwittingly pregnant with little support from anyone, let alone the FDA, ASRM, or any other institution. Why is the government so interested in making this so difficult for us but not in preventing children from mistakes that can’t be undone?

Yes, I am frustrated. I’m sure it is partially a mask for the sadness and monthly disappointment. I don’t know how much longer I can do this and yet I can’t imagine not having children. Three ideally, although I can’t see myself doing this part again. My new mom and pregnant friends have told me that the nine months feels like forever. At this point, it doesn’t feel so long.

I’m not saying that it should be perfectly easy for two women to have children. I’m the first to admit that this isn’t supposed to be simple. I chose to marry a woman (note language here) but I didn’t choose to be discriminated for it. I just think that Dr. L could have been kinder. It was so clear we made her uncomfortable—but I’m a human and like many others that she has helped get pregnant, I want a child. She wasn’t thinking of what my experience was because she was too stuck in her own discomfort to see past it to ours.

I never expected it to take this long and yet somehow I trust that when we finally have a child, it will all feel right that we had to wait this long. I know that there are children out there, whether born yet or just in spirit, that will choose us as parents. I just wish that institutions didn’t get in the way quite so much.

At this point, I would happily take twins because it would mean we were done with this process. Happily.

In closing, it has been emotionally tolling and draining—but it will all be worth it when we hold that child in our arms for the first time.

Abigail Levy, a pseudonym used by the author to protect her identity, is a psychotherapist and has been married to her spouse for 5 years. They reside in New England. A shorter version of Abigail's story originally appeared in The Rainbow Times.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Blue Milk

2011-09-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

Name: blue milk
Age: 38
Occupation: Economist/Writer
Location: Australia

The blogger known as blue milk

How do you define feminism?
The belief that men and women are equal combined with an understanding that there is a systematic form of oppression working against women. My friend has a definition that I like, too, and that is that feminism is any time a woman speaks the truth about herself and her life.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
My first memory of actively identifying as a feminist was when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I saw an advertisement on television for men's deodorant and I remember trying to reject the sexism in that ad with my mother. Unfortunately my precocious feminism alarmed her - she'd been raised mostly by a single father and her own feminism wasn't all that pronounced at that time. And she was also, by then, a single parent herself (my father left us when I was about 10 years old); my mother had this fear of rearing "man-haters" on account of how difficult we were all finding our lives in a female-headed household in poverty. But my feminism must have come from somewhere and my mother has this sense about her that the rules don't necessarily apply to her, and in that I think she really fostered in me a belief that obstacles, including the patriarchy, could be overcome.

Without the resources to understand it properly at age 12, I think a whole lot of intersections of oppression suddenly became apparent to me and formed the basis of my feminism - poverty, bigotry, classism, ageism, homophobia, misogyny, sexism and .. sexual harassment, oh man, at around this same age I started receiving lots of unwanted sexual attention from men and boys and it was scary. It was also disorientating, because the sexual attention also presents as a kind of new power, and it's the first power you've ever really experienced with adults as a child, though of course ultimately it is a power mostly used against you.

(My feminism has taken years and years to really get to a point of understanding other intersections of oppression well, like racism and ableism and sizeism and transphobia. I am hoping to fast-track my children's awareness of privilege and oppression so they don't have to wait until they're nearly 40 to get all that).

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I have become a lot less black and white about things, I see many many shades of grey in the world now. I think by the time you get to your late 30s you've surprised yourself (and perhaps, disappointed yourself, also) more than a few times with how you've responded to particular situations where you previously held very strong (hypothetical) views. And motherhood, my god, particularly if you're having babies in a heterosexual arrangement, you're almost certainly making compromises and choices and being judged in ways you never dreamed possible for yourself.

There are a couple of core feminist issues that I've flipped back and forth on so many times that I'm back to where I was 20 years ago - the sex industry is one of those. I probably started out with 'prostitution is exploitation' in my childhood and then I was 'sex worker supportive' by my late adolescence and then I was back to 'prostitution is exploitation' in my 30s and now in my late 30s I'm back to 'sex worker supportive'. In the end, as much as I believe that there are huge chunks of the sex industry that are terribly exploitative and that I would like magically ended tomorrow if it were possible, I still think any feminist approach to sex work has to have room for the different voices of sex workers, themselves - remember what I said about my definition of feminism being women speaking the truth about their lives? There is no denying that some workers don't find their jobs exploitative at all. I just cannot find justice in a feminism that discounts the voices of those women (and men).

This is one of the reasons why the Internet is a scary place to be a feminist - because your feminism probably naturally evolves but the Internet records everything. Take a position on something and you can never let that go, even when you change your mind years later.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
All the time, identifying as feminist isn't easy - feminism represents agitation for a shift in the sharing of power and with that comes new 'winners' and new 'losers', there's a lot at stake, and some people will either outright oppose that or else be kind of terrified of it because it's change - but I have been identifying as feminist since I was a teenager so I can say that it does get easier with time and practisee. Plus, I have built myself this little feminist utopia so pretty much everyone I socialise with on and off-line is feminist or feminist-leaning and I misguidedly feel like the revolution is completely winning and I'm on the stronger side. Having said all that, I work in a very male-dominated workplace where being 'left-wing' can be a source of ridicule. Teasing is how Australians flirt (it is also how Australians bully so it isn't always friendly), and I have had years to get comfortable with being teased about my feminism.

And there's the thing with Australian men, they are quite chauvinist, it's true, but women are strong here, too; maybe because of that hyper-masculine culture we have to be, and as a result I think we punch above our weight as a country in terms of feminism. Also, in Australia, men socialise exclusively with their male friends a lot (that's why there is such an obsession with sport in this country) and women socialise a lot separately with their female friends, too, and in some ways I think this has actually provided fertile ground for feminism. Female friendships are highly valued by women, and so then solidarity and an understanding of common experiences happen as well.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
A big part of the future of feminism is reconciling with and empowering motherhood, it is certainly the unfinished business of feminism. The motherhood movement will be at the forefront of the next wave of feminism, mark my words and check back with me in twenty-five years time. I'll bet I was right.

If you want to include any picture of yourself, please email me a link or file. if you have a bio (with links to your own website, twitter, etc...) feel free to include that as well!

This writer is an economist who writes about motherhood from a feminist perspective, she is the author of the blog, blue milk. She has presented at conferences on motherhood, work and family, feminism, and social media; has written for magazines and newspapers, and has had her work quoted on television. She is a contributing author to the book, The 21st Century Motherhood Movement: Activist Mothers Speak Out On Why We Need To Change the World And How To Do It. She is also the mother of two children. She might sound like she has it together, but she so very much doesn’t. You can follow her on twitter @bluemilk.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Back To School

2011-09-06T10:39:00.000-04:00

Note the plethora of books in the butterfly net. He's ready.

Almost every day for the past week has started the same:

"Do I get to go back to school today?"

***

When EZ was around two and a half, we started making the rounds to various preschools in the area. We were less worried about getting him on the baby-genius track, and more concerned with giving him a few mornings a week to interact with his peers while mama got a few hours to regain her sanity. If he happened to learn anything while there, even better.

We're lucky to live in an area saturated with schools - private, public, charter - you name it, we've got it. Almost every educational philosophy is represented, and the choices really are limitless (as long as your bank account is limitless as well...).

I started off by checking out one preschool in particular, intrigued by what they seemed to offer. EZ is a January baby, making him just short of that supposedly magic 2.9-by-September cutoff that many preschools adhere to. Perhaps it was my mistake to look at schools who abide by that rule, but there we were, meeting with the director of the program anyway.

She watched as EZ played with some toys that were left out as she described the program to me. Then, she pulled me aside and said that while she'd love to have EZ attend, they are pretty strict with their age minimum.

Had the conversation ended there, I probably wouldn't have thought twice and possibly would have even sent him there the following year.

But then...

"And it's good anyway. That way, he'll be even older when he starts next year, making him on track with the other kids in the class, especially the girls."

Excuse me?

Of course, I asked her to clarify.

She talked about how boys are naturally slower learners, how if he started this year he'd be behind and frustrated and wouldn't enjoy himself.

If I knew how to arch my eyebrow in that awesomely pointed way, I totally would have. Instead, I thanked her for her time, scooped up EZ, and left.

While I'm sure this director must have met students who fell into that description, she hadn't met EZ yet. Not really. She didn't know what he could or couldn't do, but because he's a boy, she already had a preconceived notion of what he was capable of.

And that totally sucked.

Now granted, I know that all of our kids are special snowflakes and when they do something it's the bestest thing ever and better than any other little kid doing the same exact thing. No, seriously, when EZ pooped in the potty for the 1st time, I almost held a parade

But, for me, this is beyond being fiercely protective of my son because he's mine, and more about this general idea that boy are intellectually slower than girls that has seeped into our society (and by extension - school systems).

I'm not suggesting that there aren't biological differences between boys and girls. I know there are. Books have been written about these difference suggesting they begin as early as the womb, and studies are always looking at the differences between male and female brains. However, regardless of the biological differences between the sexes, acting upon these theories in a way that could potentially affect them negatively in an educational setting makes me bristle.

I want a teacher to look at my child and see his potential, and not rely on the generality that boys are slower learners - that already puts him at a disadvantage. It could be as subtle as not starting to work on reading or math sooner, or over compensating with over the top attention when he manages to do something correctly.

In the end, we chose a school that happened to be a perfect fit. EZ's teachers look at him as an eager kid, full of questions and potential. They don't teach towards his gender, and in fact, in the two years that he's been there, not one teacher has made a comment about the supposed slow pace at which boys learn, or how he learns "as a boy." We've had discussions about his struggles with fine motor skills and his accomplishments in reading. Neither time were those skills, or lack thereof, connected to the fact that EZ is a boy. They were simply presented as "this is how your child is doing."

This Friday, EZ finally goes back to school. He's beyond happy, and I'm thrilled knowing he'll be walking into a classroom that views him as an individual, rather than a sum of his parts.

EZ at his birthday celebration (blowing out the "sun") at school last year

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Julia

2011-09-05T05:00:00.000-04:00

Name: Julia Famularo
Age: 30
Occupation: doctoral student
Location: Connecticut/Washington DC/Asia
Any other relevant tidbits you'd care to share: news junkie, musician, adventurer

Julia, wielding her lasso of truth since 4 years old

How do you define feminism?
An innate belief that women deserve the same rights and privileges as men, no matter where they’re born, where they live, and where they work.

An appreciation of the contributions that women make every day, large and small.

A concern for the welfare of other women.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
Since before I can ever remember! I’m quite fortunate to have a mother who has always encouraged me. Growing up before the women’s rights movement, she was acutely aware of the societal limitations imposed upon women, and was determined that things would be different for her daughters. I consequently used to go around telling people as a young girl that “I can be anything I want when I grow up, except a boy.” If only I knew... ;-)

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I think that my understanding and appreciation of feminism has expanded and deepened over time. When I was younger, my main exposure to feminism was what I learned in school (who hasn’t done a book report on Susan B. Anthony?), read in the paper, or discussed with my mother.

As I grew older, I realized that there was far more to feminism than learning about the suffrage movement and lamenting that women still don’t receive equal pay for equal work. Feminism isn’t simply about the struggle for rights... it isn’t even simply about “struggle,” period.

To me, feminism is about considering how we as individuals and societies construct gender. It’s about rethinking gender roles and gender stereotypes that we encounter everyday. It’s about contemplating the choices we make and how they ultimately affect others: our family, our friends, and society as a whole.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
Only from myself! There was a time in my life when I began to wonder what it really meant to be a feminist, and whether you lost your membership card if you weren’t out on the streets with protest signs. Then, to my great relief, I realized that our thoughts and actions all make a difference, and we’re all metaphorically on the front lines every day.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I think that in the future, we’ll continue to break down barriers around the world. I believe that it’s particularly important for us all of us to educate ourselves and speak out against violence and discrimination against women in other countries. There are so many horrific practices that still exist, such as bride kidnapping, honor killings, FGM, and many others. Perhaps a good place to start is identifying at least one or two causes that are truly important to you, and thinking of small ways that you can make a contribution.

Julia M. Famularo is a Research Affiliate at the Project 2049 Institute and a fourth-year doctoral student in Modern East Asian Political History at Georgetown University. Recently, she had the opportunity to spend a semester at the State Department, working in the Bureau of Democracy, Human Rights, and Labor. She has lived and traveled extensively in the People's Republic of China, ethnographic Tibet, and Taiwan. You can find more from Julia at Project 2049.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Schooled.

2011-09-02T03:00:00.000-04:00

It's back to school time for most, and with that comes the excitement, nerves and anticipation of the first day.

Apparently, it also bring with it a huge helping of sexism.

JC Penny has made the news for selling back-to-school shirts for girls that reinforce the stereotype that as long as they're pretty, they don't need to worry about their intellect. My friend Melissa over at Pigtail Pals breaks it down and explains why JC Penny screwed up so poorly.

To their ~~very little~~ credit, JC Penny heard the backlash loud and clear and removed the shirt from being sold.

However, they continue to sell shirts that portray similarly sexist messages.

I guess girls are no longer taking Science, Math or History? BTW, I'm pretty certain I received an F in "shopping"

While most people get why the above shirts are offensive, many others have been espousing the whole "if you don't like it, don't buy it" notion. The problem with that is that folks don't need to buy it to buy into it. Just the fact that these shirts exist - pushing the stereotype that girls don't need to be brainy as long as they have their looks - reinforces a falsehood that some little girls might actually buy into.

Of course, I had to be fair. I went through all 22 pages of JC Penny's t-shirts for girls. Not all were this blatant. But, most of them did have qualifying words on them: Princess, Diva, Cutie, etc... Others had messages like "I heart bling." None besides a super cute & nerdy Hello Kitty shirt left me feeling all that groovy, to be honest.

I then decided to look through all 15 pages of the boys t-shirts. Hardly any had descriptive words. Lots of numbers and sports themed shirts, but not much was suggested beyond boys being "Rock Star!" "X-Treme!" or.... "boys."

What's with the disparity? The sad thing is, if I looked beyond JC Penny and compared other big box clothing stores, I'm certain to find similar trends. Girl style automatically equals commentary on looks and attitude, while boys' clothes tend to either be plain or lame.

I'm well aware that awesome kid-positive clothing exists out there. But these kinds of clothes are not available in big box stores where many people shop. These clothes are not the majority. But, perhaps, if more people are vocal about what they don't want to see on their children's clothes, perhaps retailers will start taking the hint...

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Ashley

2011-09-01T08:00:00.001-04:00

Name: Ashley
Age: 27
Occupation: student
Location: midwest
Any other relevant tidbits you'd care to share: you can find me tweeting @ashleyrebeccah

Ashley at age 4

How do you define feminism?
I think feminism is about ensuring human rights for women as well as establishing full and equal participation in all aspects of society. I have heard it defined as equality with men but I don't think that's enough. There are many things that are different for women and men or only affect women, like reproductive rights, pregnancy/parenthood, domestic and sexual violence which women experience at much greater levels than men, etc. In addition, large numbers of women encounter even greater oppression due to the intersections of sexism, racism, ableism, heterosexism, cissexism, classism, and ageism, and I think in order to gain full human rights for women we have to eliminate all of these "ism's".

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I first identified as a feminist as a teenager. It was definitely a gradual thing but I started to recognize how I was treated differently because of my gender. I grew up in a conservative, Catholic family and attended Catholic schools and I began to feel that women were treated as lesser in the Catholic church and this extended into my home life because of my family's strong religious beliefs. I then started to seek out more information about forms of discrimination that women faced which is where I learned more about feminism both in the US and in other countries.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I wouldn't say it's changed as much as I have solidified what it means to me.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
I've definitely experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist. I think men (especially cis hetero white males) are resistant to feminism because they don't want to give up any of their power. When women are resistant I think it's often because they have been conditioned to believe things are fine as they are. In addition, talking about feminism means challenging beliefs, both other people's and my own, and I think that can be difficult to stomach. I'm not really sure I handle the resistance in any particular way but I definitely don't give up on my beliefs even when they seem unpopular because I strongly believe in justice for all people.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I know some people think feminism is dead but I think it is still very much alive and has taken on a variety of forms. One thing that concerns me is when feminists criticize other feminists when they are exercising the right to make their own choices, like the choice to change their last name upon marriage, to wear makeup, or to do any other number of things which are sometimes viewed as oppressive or anti feminist. I think if we are truly serious about fighting for women's rights we have to support one another and work towards ensuring that all women are truly free to exercise their rights and make their own choices. If we are trying to decide for other women then they are not free and I don't think we are any better than the patriarchal society that tries to impose upon them to begin with. I also think for the future of feminism we need to work towards recognizing that it's not just about sexism but about all of the intersecting forms of oppression that women face. I think many women don't identify as feminist because of this exclusion and so moving forward we need to work on making sure the feminist movement is inclusive.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

An Abortion Story

2011-08-31T08:00:00.001-04:00

Krista, who I met via my This Is What A Feminist Looks Like series, graciously agreed to do a guest post for me, especially after I had found out that she had been a patient of the late Dr. George Tiller. Krista originally shared this post as a speech at a Planned Parenthood event.

Krista at 15

In 1986 I was 15-years-old and I was pregnant.

That's an easy statement to make now, but it was a reality that took me months to accept.

I was in love. I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him....until he broke up with me.

The next month my period didn't come. I thought it was because I was upset over the break-up.

The month after that, I was in denial. It couldn't happen to me. We had been safe....most of the time.

The month after that I accepted I was pregnant.

But I wasn't allowed to date yet, so how was I going to tell my parents I was pregnant?

When I finally told them they were angry, disappointed and concerned.

We talked about my future and what I wanted.

I wanted to go to college. And I knew I was not ready to be a mother at 15-years old.

My mother took me to the Planned Parenthood in Peoria Illinois.

After an examination the doctor said he could not perform the abortion.

I was more than 21-weeks pregnant.

Our only alternative was to travel to Wichita Kansas and the Women's Health Care Services clinic.

The same clinic Operation Rescue and other anti-choice protesters targeted for years.

When we pulled up to the gated clinic only one silent protestor stood outside.

I was relieved, but I was also scared.

The staff was kind. They smiled and treated me and the six others in my group gingerly.

They were other teenagers like me.

There was a 20-year old beauty pageant queen. She told me she was getting an abortion because the Miss America rules stated she could not have a child.

There was a couple in their 30's who made the difficult decision to terminate a planned pregnancy because the child was stricken with a severe birth defect.

The same birth defect that had already claimed one of their children.

And there was a 12-year-old Hispanic girl who didn't speak English. She looked terrified.

The staff explained that over the next week we would take pills to induce labor and abort our fetuses.

We all stayed at a local motel.

We ate together, we cried together and we supported each other.

My contractions started in the middle of the afternoon.

I couldn't keep food or water down.

The pain increased as the contractions got closer together.

By the next morning I was in agony.

I don't remember much about the moment when my pregnancy ended.

Just the nurse who told me to push.

On the long drive home, my breasts started producing milk. My body believed I had given birth.

Before we left the clinic, the Doctor talked to all of us about our futures.

When the Doctor looked at me he paused and quietly said I reminded him of his daughter.

My doctor was Dr. George Tiller.

In 2004, I saw Dr. Tiller again at the March for Women's Lives in Washington D.C.

I cried and thanked him for giving me a future.

I felt empowered knowing he was on our side.

On May 31, 2009 Scott Roeder shot and killed Dr. George Tiller.

The doctor was at his church serving as an usher during the Sunday morning service when Roeder shot Dr. Tiller in the head.

That single gunshot closed the Women's Health Care Services clinic permanently.

I want Dr. Tiller's legacy to be something he said, "Abortion is about women's hopes and dreams and potential, the rest of their lives, abortion is a matter of survival for women.

Krista today

Krista is married to an amazing, supportive man. They have two dogs who fill their lives with joy. You can find Krista on Twitter.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Becky

2011-08-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

Name: Becky Sumber
Age: 36
Location: Westchester area, NY
Occupation: Manager in the Service Coordination Department of an agency that serves people with developmental disabilities/mom
Random/Important facts: mother of a young daughter and son.

Becky

How do you define feminism?
Feminism to me is knowing that women don't need to fit into any particular gender role, and that that only limits on women are their own aspirations. I experience feminism now mostly through parenting my kids; raising each of them to just be who they are and to do what they love. Feminism isn't just about women having the freedom to explore and enjoy traditional male gender roles (being the breadwinner, working in male dominated fields, etc), but also about embracing things that may be considered traditional female gender roles (being nurturing, soft and feminine) if that's what they enjoy and if that's what feels right.

When did you first consider yourself a feminist?
In college I took a women's studies course and identified with a lot of the themes. I grew up in a household where, when she could, my mother stayed home to take care of me and my siblings, but when she needed to, she also worked, obtained an advanced college degree, and moved her four children into a better living environment as a single mother. Without realizing it, I was raised with the assumptions that a woman can do and be anything that she wants to, or anything that she needs to.

Has your definition of feminism changed over time?
I think having a daughter reinforced my ideas, and forced me to think about them more concretely, as I've tried to raise my daughter to know that she can be whoever she wants to be and that her voice is important. I've extended those thoughts to my baby boy, who I will raise to be comfortable with who he is, & to know that women can be equal partners with their mates. I think that, as I've watched my daughter grow, I've become more aware of making sure my kids know they don't have to fit into any sort of gender stereotype; that they are perfect just the way they are, however they wish to express themselves, and that they can do and be anything that makes them happy.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think there is and how do you handle it?
I actually can't say I have experienced resistance. I haven't ever felt like I couldn't do or be something just because I'm a woman; or that I have to do or be something because I'm a woman. I've also been lucky to work in a very female-dominated field where women are commonly leaders and in upper level positions.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I think the future is feminism. I see a world for my kids to grow up in where women are equally accepted and respected for any choice they make in their lives, whether my daughter wants to stay home and raise children, obtain an advanced degree and work her way up the ladder in a male dominated field, build a remote control car or dress up in unicorn costumes and have tea parties. All are valid and valuable choices.

Becky and her husband Jon live just north of NYC with their two young children. She works in the field of developmental disabilities and juggles work and domestic goddess duties with the finesse of a clumsy circus clown. She loves live music, going to bed early, hiking, bad reality TV, and vegetarian cooking.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

All Tied Up

2011-08-29T10:05:00.006-04:00

It was just another week working with my girls...Okay, they're not actually mine, but after over a year of tutoring them, it can sometimes feel that way.

And...it's never really just another week. While I'm there to tutor, I come away from my time with them having learned a thing or two as well. I'm also almost guaranteed some amazing conversation.

***

"Miss. How old do you have to be to get your tubes tied?" asked one of the girls in between fraction problems.

I looked at her with a blank stare, never having had the opportunity to even contemplate that question. "Um...18? 21?" I guessed, but really had no clue.

"Yeah, I think 21," another girl chimed in, and soon a handful had added their opinion.

(For the record, I later looked it up, and the legal age is 18, but various practices can sometimes refuse to perform the procedure on young adults who have never had children. A post for another time, to be sure...)

The girl in question (19) only has one kid - a little boy. Yet, she seemed resolute in her decision that she was done having kids and wanted her tubes tied.

I was curious as to how she came to that choice.

Her son's father is in and out of the picture and she lives with her mom and siblings, an all too common scenario for these girls. And maybe it's because of that. Or maybe it's because her son is teething and slept like crap, or had a tantrum, or ruined her favorite necklace. Whatever the reason, she decided that, still in her teens, she is done. No more kids for her.

I thought back to when I was 18. The sky was the limit for me. I was off to college, excited, anxious, curious, full of possibility. I couldn't imagine making such a decision. But then again, I wasn't in the same situation.

I'm not denying the fact that maybe she does know. Maybe she really knows that she doesn't want any other kids. I mean, I know (at 31) that we're sticking with just EZ, so why can't she know?

I thought about all of that, but still, I asked her if she was really sure. The thing that caused me to keep talking was the permanence of it all.

That was the other thing I remembered about being 18. Like the time I got my belly button pierced and then it got all crazy infected. That scar I have is permanent. Such a poor analogy, but there you go. Things we do when young stay with us. A scar on my stomach is one thing, scarred up fallopian tubes? That's another.

So we talked. I didn't push, I didn't prod.

I did tell her I got an IUD the week before.

I told her I also knew I only wanted one kid, but...you never know.

Things change.

***

The other day I was back there and we were discussing something else - an article on mother/daughter bullies actually - and the same girl came up to me before I left.

"Hey Miss.."

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I'm gonna get my tubes tied. I looked it up, and it's a crazy surgery. Plus, you know. What you said."

And that was that. Off she went, cell phone in hand, gossiping with her friends as they downed a snack before heading to athletics.

Like any other teen...only not.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Mary

2011-08-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

Name: Mary Starr
Age: 47
Occupation: Homemaker/Volunteer
Location: Kansas City, MO
Any other relevant tidbits you'd care to share: When reading to my kids, I frequently switch the male-in-power gender roles to female. Why does the doctor or the mayor always have to be a man?

Mary

How do you define feminism?
"Equalism." My definition doesn't involve man-bashing, simply working toward equal pay and respect for women.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
When I was a kid in the '70s, my dad (somewhat) jokingly rang a bell for my mom to fetch his coffee. I so wanted to tell him to get his own damned coffee!

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I used to think being a homemaker and a feminist were mutually exclusive. Now I believe one can still work toward equal treatment no matter one's work status.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
I experienced resistance from my brother and a former co-worker. Some men seem threatened by the 'f-word' itself. I explained that feminists don't want preferential treatment, merely equal treatment.

When I ended up having two sons, my brother commented that maybe (now) I would be able to understand men better. Apparently he thought I was confused!

What do you see as the future of feminism?
It would be wonderful if the need for feminism were to become obsolete. But considering that we still haven't elected a woman president in the U.S., we have work to do.

Mary enjoys taking Tae Kwon Do with her older son & acting silly with her younger son and her fiance, Mike. She majored in Political Science and a favorite job was working for Children International, a child sponsorship organization. She now considers with mild amusement the fact that her father thinks males are inherently more intelligent than females.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Krista

2011-08-25T08:00:00.003-04:00

Name: Krista
Age: 40
Occupation: Journalist
Location: Mid-South

Krista

How do you define feminism?
It's supporting women and women's issues. Too many people believe feminism is about promoting women while putting men down, but that's not the case. They are shocked to learn men can be feminists too. Feminism is about sending the message women are people. We are capable of doing everythng men can do (except maybe pee standing up!). We are so much more than incubators and maids. We raise children and run countries. It's about not blaming rape victims, allowing women real choices when it comes to birth control, equal pay for equal work and recognition of the huge contributions we make in the world every day.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I can't remember a time I didn't identify as a feminist. I grew up in a household where I was told I could do anything or be anything. If I wanted to be President, I could do it. It wasn't until I started school that I realized this wasn't the way everyone thought. I was shocked. I never backed down from my goals and my parents always stood behind me.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I don't think my definition has changed. I feel the issues have changed. They've gotten more complex. (Maybe it's me that's more complex). Everything seemed so cut and dry when I was younger, now I see there's not always one simple answer. For instance - supporting women politicians like Sarah Palin. Years ago my instinct would be to support her because she's a woman, but the truth is Palin doesn't support other women or women's issues. There's nothing more frustrating then women who don't recognize and honor the fact they are where they are today because of feminists in the past.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
Yes! On Twitter! Someone said I shouldn't talk about birth control and abortion rights, specifically conception, because I was a feminist. She automatically thought feminist meant lesbian. After I stopped laughing I explained that while some feminists are lesbians, I was not. I wear my "Ms.", "This Is What a Feminist Looks Like" and "I Had An Abortion" t-shirts a lot. They generate conversations and provide me an opportunity to share my story.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
Unfortunately I see another backlash against feminism in the immediate future. I hope this will inspire fellow feminists to speak up and get involved. We cannot succeed unless we work together. I see promise in the next generation, but it's up to women (including me) to help lead the way.

More on Krista:
I was 15-years-old when I got pregnant. Dr. George Tiller performed my abortion. Keeping abortion safe and legal is an issue I fiercely support. If women cannot control their bodies and their reproductive health, they cannot control their lives.
I am married to an amazing, supportive man. We have two dogs who fill our lives with joy.
You can also find Krista on Twitter.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Rachael

2011-08-24T08:00:00.003-04:00

Name: Rachael Berkey
Age: 28
Occupation: Online Communications wiz & writer
Location: New England
Any other relevant tidbits you'd care to share: I read too much. Seriously, I'll read the back of a cereal box if there's nothing else around for me to read. I also love Star Wars. And The West Wing. And Star Wars. Did I mention I love Star Wars?

Rachael

How do you define feminism?
Feminism is confidence.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I was born a feminist. It is an intrinsic piece of who I am. I honestly cannot pinpoint an age or a time; it's just always been part of me.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I vaguely remember being horrifically confused when someone tried to tell me I wasn't a feminist. How the neckline of my blouse dictated my stance on feminism, I still don't understand. (Actually, I do. I just refuse to acknowledge it.) I didn't understand how someone could identify as a feminist and have the gall to tell someone else they weren't one because of how they looked. It didn't really change my definition but it definitely made me think about mine long and hard.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
I like to dress girly. I take good care of my body. I like cooking & baking and taking care of people. I also like to mainline Star Wars on a pretty regular basis. And I have no problem with women being photographed in skimpy outfits for the purpose of advertising, so long as it's tasteful...after all men are also photographed in skimpy outfits for the purpose of advertising too. Needless to say, I have always been challenged on my feminism. I fight back by enjoying my confidence, encouraging other young women to stand up for themselves, and by not caving to peer pressure to be catty and obnoxious to other women behind their backs.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I see the future of feminism in many shades of grey. Everyone is not going to agree 100% of the time. But so long as we all keep talking about it and talking to each other, there is always the hope that improvements can be made.

Rachel Berkey lives in New England where she writes, bakes whoopie pies, and spends all together too much time with her nose in a book. She moved there last winter after 4 years of working in Washington DC both in politics and for a nonprofit. She has an MA in literature from the University of New Hampshire and uses it as an excuse to always have a book on her person. You can find her babbles about reading, books and her own brand of geekiness on Wars, her on Twitter, Tumblr and most recently at HelloGiggles!

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Sarah

2011-08-23T08:00:00.001-04:00

Name: Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser
Age: 47
Occupation: writer
Location: Northampton MA
Any other relevant tidbits you'd care to share: also, community do-er & mama to four

Sarah

How do you define feminism?
I define feminism as a belief that unless women deserve equality--a truth & an issue of social justice

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I am not sure I ever *didn't* identify as a feminist. But the experience that cemented me to feminism was definitely becoming unintentionally pregnant at 17 & realizing that without reproductive freedom my ability to make decisions about how my life could go wouldn't exist. Equal access to free choice about my life became so dear. I just GOT it. I needed to fight for this equality.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I think I've mellowed & feel "bigger tent" about feminism than at the height of my activist years. I spent my twenties working in the reproductive rights movement. I thought you had to give it all -- or nothing. I don't see it that way at all these days. I see there are all kinds of ways feminism can be a powerful part of our lives even if it's not the central lens for every person.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
I never, ever have. It's almost like I love it too much to ever feel scared to identify as a feminist internally. I might not share with someone very conservative *all* that I've fought for in my activist life straight away, though.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I hope the future of feminism is to bring words like equality & justice to the fore again & again until we secure those very things.

Besides keeping a blog at the Valley Advocate, Sarah writes (& blogs) hither & yon, from Preview Massachusetts Magazine to Brain Child & points in between. To keep up on where she's writing, you can follow her blog's Facebook page. Sarah notes: I am on twitter (poorly) @standshadows (Avi disagrees & thinks Sarah is more than fun to tweet with!)

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Misty

2011-08-22T08:00:00.001-04:00

Name: Misty Nelson
Age: 35
Occupation: Currently unemployed, but I have a Bachelor's in Environmental Biology and a Master's in Marine Science
Location: Missoula, Montana

Misty & her tall, dark, handsome fellow!

How do you define feminism?
Well, I could list a number of bumper stickers that I love that deal with this exact issue...but in my own words, I guess feminism is just a fundamental belief that women should be entitled to the same opportunities, privileges and freedoms that men are. Not to say that men and women are the same - we are most definitely not! - but having a vagina shouldn't be a limiting factor in terms of what a person wants to do with their life. Beyond that, there is a pretty wide range of activism levels - I consider myself a pretty outspoken advocate of equality in all things (race, gender, sexuality, etc., etc., etc.). While I don't expect all feminists to be as vocal about their beliefs as I am, in order to be a 'true' feminist, a person (and feminists don't necessarily have to be women!) must live their life along these lines - you can't say you think one thing, and then vote for people/things that go against those beliefs; likewise, women who have achieved success or popularity by exploiting other women in any way are traitors. For the record: Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann are NOT a feminists.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I'm pretty sure I've always been one - I was always kind of a tomboy who liked to play dress-up once in a while. Still am, for that matter :) I can't think of a single turning point when I said "Hey, you know what? I'm going to become a feminist!" I was raised in a household that gave me the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be - whether it was entertaining dreams of becoming a hairdresser, waitress, biologist, firefighter, whatever, and all I ever felt was love, support, and encouragement to do whatever tickled my fancy. It's been a very eye-opening experience to grow up, get out of that bubble into the real world, and realize that the majority of women on the planet don't exist in that same plane. So I guess I was born a feminist, and have just become more of one over time!

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
I think as I have gotten older, I've learned to embrace my femininity more. To recognize that you can still be a strong, capable, intelligent, educated and opinionated person...and at the same time be sexy, emotional, nurturing, and fragile. It's an interesting parallel (or duality perhaps) that the more of the world I see, and the more involved in women's issues I get, and the more outspoken I've become, the more I feel compelled to cultivate and love my own womanliness.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
Never. I think there are 'feminists' out there who give feminists a bad name, but I like to think that I'm counterbalancing that by being a feminist that doesn't hate men, or feel threatened by my place in the world, or complain about how unfair it all is. I've done a lot of things that could be considered traditionally 'male' activities - fighting forest fires, field biology, competing in martial arts, rock climbing, etc. - and I excelled in all of them. I think it's always easier to recruit people to a new way of thinking by walking the walk, talking the talk, and just being a good person in the process.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
Well, I hate to say it, but there is still such a long way to go. The feminist movement will not have been successful until there is global balance when it comes to gender. I realize that we'll probably never get to a place where women are no longer victims, but we should strive towards it regardless. I love to imagine a world where women aren't raped, abused or mistreated; where cultures, religions, and governments treat all humans with equal respect and dignity, regardless of their genitalia, appearance, or beliefs; where young girls and old women alike don't feel pressure to be anything but the natural beauties that they are.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Link Love!

2011-08-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

* "Pink Scare," (My article about the media panic over boys & pink) has been published in this month's issue of Bitch Magazine. They've also selected it to be one of the articles featured on their site! Feel free to hop on over there to read it, and drop a thought or two in the comments - would love to know what folks think.

* My friend Sarah wrote about fruit, pie, and contests and combining all three for a good cause.

* So...I still might be fangirling a little over the fact that Ritch participated in my TIWAFLL series. Mostly because his vlogs are cheeky and smart, which is a killer combination in my book! (but not always super safe for work language wise, just FYI). You should check them out.

* Someone on Twitter linked to Postcrossing this past week, and I think it's just a brilliant idea. I still have fond memories of my pen pal from Manitoba, Canada when I was in 2nd grade. Getting postcards from all over sounds like so much fun, and a neat way to learn about maps and places around the world with the kiddo. Will be signing up soon for sure!

* Why does TLC insist on producing the most enabling, vile shows they can come up with? This new one is about extreme excess as it relates to kids' parties (okay, so while I don't actually *love* this link, I just couldn't let it slip by without comment).

* And just because I can't get this song out of my head, I'm sharing it with all of you... (also, how cute is it that Jay Leno is holding up a record?)

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Ritch

2011-08-18T08:00:00.001-04:00

Name: Ritch Ludlow
Age: 24
Occupation: Student and amateur vlogger
Current Location: North Texas
Birth Location: England

Ritch

How do you define feminism?
Feminism, to me, is a very broad term for people striving for social, political, and financial equality across all of humanity with a particular focus on how gender effects this. Because the movement has been around so long and has so many different perspectives, identifying as part of the third wave of feminism is important to me. I guess I might even call Sarah Palin a feminist...but I'd definitely have to call her a first wave feminist.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
Probably when I was about 18. I think I saw The Vagina Monologues when I was 17, and I started to become comfortable with the word. Then in college I joined UNT's Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance, and my life changed forever!

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
When I was younger, I saw feminism as a party I wasn't invited to. Feminist friends I had at the time made me feel a little alienated, which, in hindsight, I think was a result of none of us knowing where men's roles fit into feminist activism. I later realized that the problems I'd had with my gender identity and sexuality all my life was from a distinct lack of feminism in my everyday. I rectified things accordingly.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
No, it doesn't seem to bother people, because, I think, it tends to surprise them and throw them off. I don't fit their ideas of what a feminist is (female, lesbian, man-hating, anti-porn, angry), and I think that helps people keep an open mind when I talk about it.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I think technology is changing very quickly at this point in our history, and has the potential to eventually balance out the gender playing field completely. In the grand scheme of human history, only now are physical gender boundaries starting to break down seriously (i.e. reproduction, choice, gender transitioning, etc.), and I'm excited to see where that leads us. Of course, feminist activists will still be needed to guide our use of that technology. All activists have to pay lots of attention right now and make sure we discuss all the new questions as they come. There's no black and white answer to anything, and that's why the dialogue needs to be maintained, especially as things change.

Ritchard is best known on the web for his youtube vlog, as well as a variety of other artistic expressions which can be seen on his website, ritchardaludlow.com.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Food, Farming & Feminism

2011-08-17T08:44:00.011-04:00

This was a guest post I originally wrote for my friend Ashley's blog, Small Strokes.

Planting seeds, pulling weeds and harvesting greens...on the surface these activities hardly scream feminism, but when you dig a bit deeper, it's almost hard to miss the strong connection between food, farming and feminism. For me, it all boils down to a sense of self-sustainability: if I'm able to grow some crops and turn them into something both edible and nourishing, I've added just one more way to ensure both my independence and ability to take care of myself. There is also the slight satisfaction I get (beyond biting into a tomato picked straight from the vine!) knowing I that excel at something that is traditionally a male endeavor.

This is the third year that we've planted our small urban vegetable garden.

MD tending to our kale

We don't have an actual yard or lawn, and instead ripped out the few ornamental bushes the previous owners planted. With only a six by ten square foot plot of dirt surrounded by bricks, I'm able to grow broccoli, various types of tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans, lettuce, kale, basil and mint.

I can then take my veggies and herbs and turn them into delicious, healthy meals for myself and my family. While some might scoff at what I do and suggest that I'm conforming to a '50s ideal of the wife who stays home and cooks for her family, I find that it's completely the opposite for me.

Instead of playing into a stereotype, I'm actively transforming the notion of what a homemaker is with my little garden. I'm taking the power back, working hard, and choosing to eat my own produce rather than patronizing big box stores. Like the feminists of the '60s, '70s & '80s, I'm driven by the desire for self-sufficiency and autonomy as well as achieving personal satisfaction. Yet instead of heading out to the office, I head to my garden.

The idea of small and even urban homesteads has only grown in recent years, with women raising backyard chickens, planting gardens and learning skills that had been put to the wayside for most, like canning, spinning yarn, baking bread from scratch, etc... Various books and articles have even been written about these women, showing that most have either Masters and Doctorates but choose instead to see their workspace within the home rather than outside of it. Author Shannon Hayes even went as far as coining the term "Radical Homemaker," when explaining this phenomenon and sharing the stories of women living this life.

This idea of radical homemaking is not just for the middle-upper class, however. Every week I head to a nearby inner city to tutor teen moms who are working towards their GED. I'm there once a week, and in the short time I spend with them, I invariably get into discussions about their food choices. Bags of Doritos, piles of Slim Jims, huge bottles of soda and fast food containers litter their desks. The girls are quick to remind me that these choices are cheap and quick. I remind them that they have access to wonderful community gardens right there in the city (and even one tended to by the program they're in). While I may not change their eating habits overnight, they do get excited about the prospect of being able to grow their own food and control that aspect of their lives - something essential for these young women, many of whom feel that their lives have spun out of control.

As for me? While I do still work part-time, albeit from home, the rest of my time is spent with my son either in the garden or working with the bounty we reap from it. In the summer we can freshly picked strawberry jam and in the winter we bake fresh bread. It instills a sense of pride in me that I'm teaching my young son all of these tasks as well. As a feminist, ensuring that he not only knows, but appreciates and enjoys having these skills is important to me. One day, hopefully, he will be the one wowing his family with blueberry pie and homemade pretzels. For now he's just happy getting his feet dirty along with me and eating broccoli straight from the stalk.

EZ's dirty toes circa 2009

Killer Kale

This is my favorite way to eat kale (or any hardy green!). It’s both easy and super quick, making a great side to any meal. (You can also put some tofu or a fried egg on top of it and bam! - the perfect meal). It’s also pretty awesome because you can always change up the flavor profile (instead of tamari/soy sauce/sesame seeds you can use a little chili powder & cumin and add some black beans).

Wash and steam some kale. My favorite, which we grow in our garden, is dino kale. I don’t have a fancy steamer and instead just tear up a bunch of kale, add it to a saute pan with a bit of water and cover. Let it cook for no more than 5 minutes. You want the greens to still be a bright color and not super wilted and mushy.

While the greens are cooking, toast a handful of sesame seeds in a wok. Add 2 teaspons of olive oil, a couple of cloves of minced garlic and a tablespoon of either tamari or soy sauce. Once the garlic is cooked through, turn off heat and mix in kale. Delish.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Ashley

2011-08-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

Name: Ashley Lauren
Age: 27
Occupation: High School English Teacher and Freelance Writer
Location: Chicago, IL

Ashley

How do you define feminism?
I define feminism as women having choices, and feeling empowered to make those choices. This hasn't been radical enough for many of my feminist counterparts in some cases, but I don't necessarily think that everything you do needs to have a political motivation behind it. I think you need to critically think about the choices you are making and what they say about your beliefs, but I don't think there are "feminist choices." Some might say being a working mom, for example, is more feminist than being a stay-at-home mom, but when it comes down to it, you need to make the choices that work for you and your family, regardless of where they fall on a feminist scale. And, after weighing all the options, if you make the choice that's right for you, you've committed a feminist act. Sure, decades of feminists have fought for our right to work, be paid as much as a man, keep our names, not have children, etc. but that doesn't mean you have to do all of that just to be a feminist. (Hint: You don't need to burn your bras and hate men, either!)

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I think I always identified as a feminist, even though I didn't necessarily always have the vocabulary to do so. I grew up with a strong, independent mother telling me I could do anything I wanted to, and telling me to travel the world and get my PhD before I got married. That shaped the way I viewed the world and its injustices, for sure. However, I actually didn't start referring to myself as a feminist until college, and not outwardly until I started blogging a few years ago. That's when I started to acquire the language to critically analyze and discuss the injustices I saw.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
Like all good things in life, my definition of feminism has been flexible. It changes just a little bit with every life change I go through, growing to adapt to my needs. I believe that if you have a rigid definition of a belief, you'll find yourself in a place where you question that belief more often than not. Allowing your beliefs to be more malleable will allow you to shift your perspectives, which is, really, what feminism is all about.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
I have not experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist so much as I have experienced resistance to some of my more feminist actions. When I decided to keep my last name after I got married, for example, someone actually said to me, "What kind of man would let his wife do that?" I handled that the same way I handle most remarks about my feminism: With sarcasm and truth. I said: "I'm sorry, does my decision affect your delicate sensibilities about how I should lead my life?" To which he said: "Well, it's your life I guess." At that point, I just rolled my eyes, which is also something I do a lot towards resistance. Sometimes, you just can't teach an old dog new tricks. (And I have a dog, so I can tell you that's actually true. :) )

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I truly see the internet as the future of feminist communities. With the power of Twitter, Tumblr, email, and RSS feeds, we can share information at the speed of light. Sharing information is how communities are formed, and the free information out there is actually really good stuff. Blogs are mostly self-hosted and self-published, and when you self-publish, you don't have to censor yourself to appease editors or publishing companies. When you read blogs, you're getting unfiltered information (or, at least, as unfiltered as the author wants to be). That is really important when you're talking about any movement.

Ashley Lauren is a 27-year-old feminist, social activist, blogger, freelance writer, and full-time high school English teacher. This stuff keeps her busy. She keeps her own blog, Small Strokes, about being a married feminist and how she navigates those murky waters. She also occasionally blogs there about teaching, because being a feminist teacher is sometimes tougher than being a feminist wife. She is also a Senior Editor for Gender Across Borders, a global feminist blog. She has walked in seven 2-day Avon Walks for Breast Cancer with her mom, is entering her sixth year of teaching, has her Bachelors degree in English Literature and Creative Writing with a teaching certificate, and completed her masters in English Studies in May 2010. You can also follow her on Twitter or email her at samsanator (at) gmail (dot) com.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Lisa

2011-08-15T10:30:00.001-04:00

Name: Lisa Duggan
Age: 45
Occupation: WAHmom; co-founder, publisher, TheParentduJour.com; publisher of TheMotherHoodBlog (2009-present) and prior to that, in print, The MotherHood Magazine (2006-2008). Often found ranting on Twitter as @motherhoodmag
Location: New Jersey. Sigh.
Any other relevant tidbits you'd care to share: I fantasized about giving birth in the Holland Tunnel—so my daughter would have dual NY/NJ creds

Lisa

How do you define feminism?
A movement, made of people, devoted to the recognition of the financial, cultural, historical, physical and emotional burdens and limitations of being born a woman in this world, and who work to eradicate those limitations, and moreover, celebrate everything that is female.

When did you first identify as a feminist? Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
It was only after I became a mother that I identified as a feminist. Before that I was a mostly-secular humanist—identifying more with humanity as a whole. My activism was devoted to non-gender specific issues, like working for an AIDS organization, the New York Cares Coat Drive or joining the organic food coop. When I was pregnant, and then as a nursing mother, I started to experience the negative way, both subtle and overt, that our culture regards women and discriminates against them. I felt objectified (strangers touching my belly, brands bombarding me with mom-specific advertising); infantilized (I was treated as if I was infirm or incompetent, or both); and demoralized (my job of caregiver was viewed as less important than income earner, and therefore without economic—or any other value— and so I was not worthy of or interesting enough for a conversation with non-parents (read: former colleagues)).

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
Yes. I experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist when I was looking over my answer to question #1, because it seemed so…extreme and um, militant. But I got over my resistance when I was writing the answer to question #2, because then I recalled all the moments when I was subject to bias. And, still am.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I see the face of Joe Joe, the son of my friend Cat. A former marine and police officer, she quit her career in order to raise her son. Since he was a baby in her arms, she’s been teaching Joe all that women are and can be, and how to respect and love them, and she’s teaching Joe to expect to take full responsibility for his children, emotionally and financially, when and if he has them. My daughter will marry a man like Joe and their babies will be further emancipated. They won’t believe it when we tell them that there were once places in the world women couldn’t walk.

Lisa Duggan is a mother, graphic artist, writer, and the co-founder and publisher of The Parent du Jour and TheMotherhoodBlog. You may also read her very, very short stories on Twitter, as @motherhoodmag.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Link Love!

2011-08-12T08:30:00.000-04:00

It's Friday! Make sure to play your cards right...

* In last week's Link Love, I linked to an article on Jezebel where Beyonce shared her thoughts on why we need a new word for "feminism." Well, the Jezebel readership weighed in and...yeah.

* While this isn't new, I did stumble upon it this week so I figure it's fair game. Check out Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem baking a pie on The Colbert Report back in 2008.

* Gender Across Borders has put out a call for writers for their new series: Tsk. Tsk. Stigma, Shame and Sexuality. They're looking for a variety of voices and the deadline is Sept 2nd - go check it out and flex those writing muscles!

* Larry David: Feminist Hero? What say you?

* Blue Milk recently wrote a post on Game of Thrones and Attachment Parenting...super interesting and food for thought (and a bit spoilery if you haven't watched the series).

* I've been spending way too much time over at turntable.fm lately. It has all the songs that sing to me and more. Being able to play DJ with a bunch of your friends (or new ones. Although to be honest, I've stuck with spinning some tunes with one particular fab group of people).

If you have any links you've been loving (other's or your own!), feel free to share them down below or over on The Mamafesto's Facebook page!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Chantal

2011-08-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

Name: Chantal Hill
Age: 30
Occupation: Administrator
Location: London, UK

Chantal

How do you define feminism?
For me, feminism means recognising and rejecting the power binaries set up between people of power and people without power – I don’t define my feminism any longer necessarily through gender terms, as I really believe there is great strength in intersectionality. I define my feminism as the belief that the patriarchal hegemony is innately damaging and destructive to everyone who participates in it whether by enforcement or enthusiastic support, and that the arguments which come out of feminist discourses can offer a more constructive alternative path, away from patriarchy and towards a ‘better’, more thinking/thoughtful, more participatory, less judgemental and proscriptive society as a whole.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
Ha! Sooooo clichéd – aged 18 reading Adrienne’s Rich’s Song for the first time in an undergrad English class, and thinking, basically, “FUCK YEAH!”. And then being utterly dismayed when not everyone in the class shared my views on it, which I thought were blindingly obvious, hehe.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
Yes – I think I’ve sort of covered this in my first answer. For a start, for years I didn’t have a clue about my privilege(s), which I do now (or at least I think I’m learning), mainly from reading progressive feminist blogs such as Shakesville and from reading writings from people from totally different backgrounds to me – they have massively enlightened my own feminist perspectives. I have a much wider understanding of what feminism can mean in terms of how you can apply it to everyday life – the Bechdel Test, for example. I was heavily into linguistic feminisms when I was at Uni because it tied in so well to what I was studying, now I suppose my engagement is more through “real life” feminism, if that makes sense.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
God yes, all the time, and from both straight men and straight female friends principally. I have lost count of the number of boyfriends I’ve had who’ve basically laughed in my face when I’ve told them I’m a feminist, and said something along the lines of that I can’t possibly be a feminist because of any of the following: how ‘cool’ I am/how much I enjoy sex/that I’ve got a sense of humour/that I’m not gay/the usual bullshit. And when women are disappointed it is usually because they think I am letting the side down somehow – not being a ‘girlie’ girl (although outwardly I am quite ‘girlie’ in the sense that I wear make-up, skirts, heels etc), causing an argument in the pub when they would, I guess, rather swallow shit than ruin the entire afternoon (quote nicked from Melissa McEwan). I’m not judging anyone for that btw, I used to do it too. It’s hard to stand up for yourself when the prevailing mood is against you. I usually counteract by getting into a discussion, and if I can’t win them over or am feeling particularly inarticulate that day then I sometimes send them linkage from the feminist blogosphere. This doesn’t always work of course but at least I know I’ve tried to fight my corner. And at least I do fight that corner now, whether I ‘win’ the ‘argument’ or not. NB I would like to say of course that I have been happily surprised on some occasions when it turns out people share my views – and of course it’s especially wonderful when this comes from a straight, white, cis-gendered male friend! They get lollipops.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I would hope to see more activism on the ground, not just on the internet (don’t get me wrong, I think the internet has been just so incredibly brilliant at disseminating feminist thought and creating networks of discourse and support across the whole world, I mean, that is pretty amazing, but at the same time it is just still all on the internet, a lot of it anonymously) but in the world – whatever you thought of the Slutwalks (I liked them FWIW), they meant that women were making themselves, and their bodies, and their voices visible on the streets of dozens of cities all around the world. I think we need more of that. And I would like to see our male allies be more vocal in their support – what is happening to reproductive rights in the United States is particularly frightening to me as it seems, from an outsider’s perspective (I’m Scottish), to be going backwards – it is in these cases that powerful men who agree with feminism’s basic tenets on women’s bodily rights (what, there are none? I bet there are some, I’m an optimist!) have to make their voices heard to – they have to add their voices to ours. I mean, how powerful would we be then?

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Quick Hit: Transgender Child

2011-08-10T08:40:00.000-04:00

Katie, a reader of this blog, sent me a link to a video clip about a 7 year old transgender child almost week ago, and I've sat on it, trying to figure out the best way to approach it.

In the end, I think it's best if I just share it and allow you all to take from it what you will. I will say that (in my own family) while EZ loves pink, painted nails & dressing up like a princess, he is also very adamant that he is a boy and is both comfortable and confident about that point.

For me, having a son who just happens to dig traditionally feminine things and dealing with a transgender child are two wholly different sides of a similar coin. I'm not trying to compare or contrast, just simply passing along this video (that - for me - is bittersweet)... eager to hear your thoughts.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Cat

2011-08-09T09:22:00.002-04:00

Name: Cat Rocketship
Age: 27
Occupation: Writer, artist
Location: Des Moines, Iowa

Cat

How do you define feminism?
There are as many schools of thought on feminism as there are feminists, chauvinists, scholars and comedians in the world. But personally, I believe feminism isn’t a new mold for women to fit into. It makes me sad to see so many women, mostly young women, fret over whether or not they are “good feminists.” I firmly believe that being a feminist is no more complicated than the mantra that my dad instilled in me since I was tiny:You can do whatever you want. Never let anyone tell you that’s not true. My dad changed story characters to girls, uses the pronoun “she” in discussing hypothetical people of power, and never really let me know that there was a gender divide in anything. I also have to thank him for never making any job that a woman had of her own choosing seem undignified.

And you know where that got me? I’m a 27-year-old housewife. And it would be downright unfeminist of me to think that choosing to do what I do at this point is low, or limiting. You can do whatever you want does not continue on to say as long as you’re a doctor or an astronaut.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I never identified as a feminist. I think I was just made one. My dad was as concerned with instilling me with a feminist outlook as he was with teaching me manners, diligence, and proper grammar -- so I grew up with an understanding that women are powerful. That my favorite characters could be reimagined as girls. That I should be careful not to squander my skills and that I would need to stand up for my self sometimes.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
My definition of feminism hasn't changed over time, though my understanding of others' views of it has evolved as I meet more feminists and come to understand how they view the world and the work left to be done. Though I guess I have begun to sought out readings and discussions on feminism as I've gotten older.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
The most resistance I've met comes from other feminists, especially after I started writing Hipster Housewife -- and even more after I wrote a post about feminism and being a housewife for Small Strokes, Big Oaks.

I recognize that I am very privileged to be able to say I will do whatever I want, and that not all women are in such a lucky situation. However, I have to believe that feminists didn't fight for my right to work outside the home -- they fought for my right to choose whatever path I may. They worked so that future generations would have healthier relationships, less fear, and more productivity.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
Hopefully, in the future feminism just...peters out. But I know that's a far-fetched dream. I'd love to see feminism be a less-dirty word to mainstream America -- and as that happens, to see the concept grow as something we are proud to export.

Cat loves the internet, and can be found all over it, but the easiest is @catrocketship. She works as managing editor of Offbeat Home, blogs about her job as House Captain at Hipster Housewife, makes art, and runs monthly indie craft fest Market Day.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

PHENOMENAL

2011-08-07T20:48:00.001-04:00

Today is Body Positive Day! And...I'm just remembering. doh. Despite having blogged that I would post today to check in with what I did to recognize this day, I completely forgot. No excuses, really. I just didn't remember.

We were too busy just...doing. Cleaning the house, reading books, riding bikes, making popsicles. It was a Sunday, you know?

And then, as it sometimes happens, my brain kicked in and I remembered. I looked back on my day and realized, you know what, despite not having remembered to actively be body positive, I totally was. My body lifted laundry baskets, had ticklefests with my son (trust me, a lot of muscles are involved in those), rode a bike, climbed up and down stairs numerous times, and I even squeezed in a little yoga.

Ever since I became pregnant and had my son, I've changed the way I look at my body. I totally am on board with the thought that our bodies are awesome and capable of amazing, incredible things. They can run marathons, climb mountains, swim oceans, birth babies, and more. (I've only done 1/4 things I mentioned. But I imagine my body could do the other ones if only my mind had any interest).

Sure I have those days. You know the ones. Where nothing seems to fit, every mirror obviously has it out for you, and you don't even feel comfortable in your own skin. But those days pass, and as I age they seem to be happening a lot less (or is it that I care less than when I was younger?)

So, let's take today, and tomorrow, and the entire week, month, year and celebrate our bodies for what they can do and for how awesome they are!

There's also no way I could write a post about celebrating our bodies (ourselves) without including this poem:

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing of my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can't see.

I say

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

What's phenomenal about you?

I'll start. My hair is all sorts of phenomenal...

...and I also love that I have the strength to bike my son to/from school/camp.

Add yours down below!

Link Love!

2011-08-05T10:00:00.001-04:00

* So...Beyonce has decided that if she renames feminism, it would make it more popular/palatable. My opinion? People just need to get over themselves and their fear of the "F-Word."

* Cat over at the Hipster Housewife teaches us how to make laundry soap. I will so be trying this over the weekend.

* What happens when you start to plan for a baby while dealing with anxiety and depression? You blog about it! Anne-Marie Lindsey writes about her struggles and triumphs in her journey to figure it all out.

* So, I read Eat Pray Love with the rest of the world when it came out. However, unlike most folks, I just didn't ~~drink the Kool-Aid~~ love it. If you want to see a non-annoying or overly bougie version of Eat Pray Love featuring 3 men doing it their way, hop on over to The Hairpin.

* Stephen Colbert comments on responses to expanding access to birth control. Because if I didn't laugh, I would cry over this stuff.

* This is the song that sings to me this week...because why not?

Share links you love below!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Jenny

2011-08-04T08:30:00.001-04:00

Name: Jenny Wynn
Age: 33
Occupation: teacher and mother
Location: Southern Illinois
Any other relevant tidbits you'd care to share: fighting the good fight every day

Jenny (on left) around 4 years old

How do you define feminism?
The ability to value and respect the skills and contributions of all women equally

When did you 1st identify as a feminist?
When I first began studying evolution and cognitive adaptation, I was surprised to learn that women are predisposed to excel in certain areas, as are men. Up until then, my feminist-without-acknowledging-it-as-such understanding had been that a woman could could excel at anything she set her mind to, and I found myself conflicted. Limitations? This didn't fit into my conception any self-actualized human, or my definition of equality. How can people expect to be treated equally when they are as similar as apples and oranges (or bananas, har har!)

What I didn't know then is that variation occurs in all of nature, evidenced in the critical mind of Hypatia, or in the lyrical mastery of Keats. Gender expression is a general rule--but not a hard and fast one. This was revolutionary to me. I could see now that there is a reason for the dearth of female scientists, but no excuse for a lack of support for women who choose to pursue scientific careers. It's the inconsistency of the dichotomy that causes the trouble. It's what makes it all the more difficult for people to appreciate the homemaker as much as they do the scientist. Or believe that a female could possibly compete in the male dominated field of quantum physics. No matter where you look, there is someone who makes you question what you believe to be true. People resist your categorization without ever intending to do so. I knew I was a feminist when I understood that a female mother and female astronaut deserve the same level of respect, not for the job they do, as they are both skilled roles--but BECAUSE they are female, and they catch shit from all sides.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
Well, my younger self believed that feminism had become anachronous, giving way to a more general all-inclusive humanism. But, I understand now that feminism has not lost its usefulness, though perhaps its goals have changed. I compare it to penguins: no one ever says "I'm anti-penguin." Who could be against penguins? They're adorable. But the respect isn't always there. We would have a world that fully supports their existence. As long as the livelihoods and endeavors of all women are not fully supported, I know I need to say "I am pro-woman"

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think there is and how do you handle it?
I think I give off a feminist vibe. Thankfully, I am surrounded by people who don't assume that I have a personal agenda that dominates all critical thought. Or no one has ever had the balls to challenge me on it (pun intended)

What do you see as the future of feminism?
Feminism needs to advocate for and protect mothers' rights, equal wages, the acceptance of female enterprise both inside and outside the paradigm--traditional or otherwise, and continue to promote a respect for the uniquely feminine in all its forms.

Jenny, her husband Anthony, and son Jojo hide in the woods most of the time, occasionally coming out for sashimi. She's a learner first, and teacher second, working to bridge science and the humanities. She's a technology junkie and dilettante, public servant, daydreamer, water spirit, live music lover, advocate for cultural tolerance, and moisturizer enthusiast, who actively seeks to improve her relationship with nature and watches too much tv.

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

The Kid Argument

2011-08-02T08:45:00.000-04:00

Mamafesto note: This essay was written as part of a blog-post exchange with the fabulous Ashley Lauren. I had the opportunity to write something for her, and she so graciously crafted this piece on her choice to remain childless.

* * *

When my husband, Tim, and I got married, I didn’t change my name. Reactions to this ranged from shock and dismay to a pat on the back, though nothing got to me more than what I started to refer to as the Kid Argument.

“Well, that’s fine for you and all, but don’t you want to share a name with your children?”

Behold, the Kid Argument.

What’s wrong with this question? you might ask. It’s a legitimate question. Think of how inconvenient it would be to go to parent-teacher conferences or a hospital and have someone question the relationship you have with your child.

Sure, if that’s your only frame of reference, it is a legitimate question, but there are so many things wrong with that statement that I don’t know if I can fit them all into one blog post. But, since Avital was so gracious to allow me into her space today to talk about feminism and parenting, I thought I’d use the time to offer a different perspective: the feminist non-parent.

Here’s the first thing that’s wrong with the Kid Argument: It assumes my unborn children have to have their father’s last name. For that matter, it assumes any child has to have their father’s last name. Personally, I don’t think it’s out of the question to demand – after 9 months of carrying around another human being inside of me, allowing that human being to demand my entire attention (not to mention all of my energy and most of my food intake), giving up wine and coffee for the duration of my pregnancy and while breastfeeding, and after pushing that baby out of me (or, even scarier, having a C-section) – that this child has my last name. Or, at the very least, a hyphen that includes my name. Admittedly, when Tim and I were first discussing whether or not I would change my name, he was a little hesitant simply because he didn’t quite know how that would look or how it would shape our lives in years to come. He had simply never experienced that in his lifetime, since his parents shared a name. At that time, I told him that if we had kids, they could have his name and I didn’t really care; my decision to keep my name was for me, not for anyone else. After all, my mom and I don’t share a last name since her and my dad got divorced, and it doesn’t make me less her daughter and, plus, she’s always just been Mom to me. However, the more I thought about it, the more I thought, no way! If I have to go through all that being pregnant stuff, the kid will have my name.

But what do kids do when their names are hyphenated, you might ask? If I choose option one to respond to the Kid Argument, this is almost always the follow-up question. Sometimes it looks like: Won’t that be a mouthful for your kid? or What if it’s a girl; what will she do when she gets married? Have three last names? These questions – especially the last one – elicit a major facepalm from me. Seriously? If I have a girl, or if I have a boy, and they ever choose to get married, they can do whatever they want. Keep it, get rid of it, combine it, change it all together – I don’t care! That’s their choice to make with their partner, just like it was mine to make with Tim. As far as the mouthful of a name, I’m a teacher and I know kids with one last name that has more letters and definitely more awkward combinations of consonants than our hyphenated name would be and those kids are just fine, so I think we’re OK there.

The second assumption embedded in the Kid Argument (and this is the one that really gets to me) is that I want to – or even am able to – have children. Here’s the thing: I don’t. We don’t. We’ve talked a lot about it and we just don’t want kids. We love kids; we’re both teachers, so it would follow that kids bring joy to our lives, but we both feel strongly that, after dealing with students all day, it would be really difficult to come home and give our full attention to a child. We also really want to do things. I want to write a book, he wants to run marathons, we want to travel, spend time together, sleep through the night. You get the picture. While we can imagine having kids is incredibly rewarding and worth making sacrifices to some people, it isn’t to us. At least, not right now.

You can imagine all of the follow-up arguments to this one, right? Oh, don’t worry, you’ll change your mind. (I wasn’t worried, thanks, and I might change my mind, but why would you invalidate my hopes and desires like that?) Just get your head and heart in the right place and the rest will follow. (Meaning my head and heart aren’t in the right place now by saying I want to spend time with my husband and do different things with my life? Thanks a lot.) You know the number one reason couples get divorced is because one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t. (Are you seriously trying to tell me my husband will leave me if I don’t ever change my mind? Wow…) You can’t always plan it, you know. (Well… uh… hmm… OK, well you’ve got me there. And if we had a little surprise bundle of joy, we’d be really great parents, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to plan it.) It really is enough to make your head spin, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I’ve written a lot about us not wanting kids (and here, too), us adopting kids, us having only one kid if any at all. The bottom line, though, is that Tim and I are going to structure our family however it works for us, whether it’s just the two of us and the dog, or whether we have a little (hyphenated) bundle of joy. Tim and I get to choose this together, and experience it together, and that is truly what feminism is all about.

Ashley Lauren is a 27-year-old feminist, social activist, blogger, freelance writer, and full-time high school English teacher. This stuff keeps her busy. She keeps her own blog, Small Strokes, about being a married feminist and how she navigates those murky waters. She also occasionally blogs there about teaching, because being a feminist teacher is sometimes tougher than being a feminist wife. She is also a Senior Editor for Gender Across Borders, a global feminist blog. She has walked in seven 2-day Avon Walks for Breast Cancer with her mom, is entering her sixth year of teaching, has her Bachelors degree in English Literature and Creative Writing with a teaching certificate, and completed her masters in English Studies in May 2010. You can also follow her on Twitter or email her at samsanator (at) gmail (dot) com.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Rachel

2011-07-31T10:17:00.002-04:00

Name: Rachel Diroll-Zack
Age: 36
Occupation: Professional procrastinator, frustrated writer, Mama, wife, Domestic Ninja
Location: New Jersey

What Rachel looks like...at least in her own mind!

How do you define feminism?
To me, feminism isn't about putting women above men (as you will occasionally hear people claim). It's about undoing years, nay CENTURIES of women being seen as less-than, or secondary, or weaker, or what have you. It's about supporting and celebrating women and women's accomplishments on the same level as men. I once dated a guy who actually believed women were inferior. He would ask "where is the female Shakespeare? Where is the female Einstein?" (...we didn't date long.) You know where the females were/are? We tend to be the ones rocking babies and wiping butts and kissing boo-boos and making food and teaching our children the very basic of lessons that allow them to grow up to be Shakespeare and Einstein. So, for me, feminism is validation and recognition of the very real work that women have been doing for centuries.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I don't really know. I was raised by atheist freethinkers, and I was never told that I couldn't do or want or have or be something because I'm a girl. Well, maybe when I was around 10 and my mom pleaded with me to put a shirt on to go outside to play because I wasn't a boy. Little did she know I would be more or less flat-chested until I was about 25. Anyway, I'm not sure that I can point to a time or an event and go "a ha, that's it." I've always been this way, you see.

I think my experiences as a stay-at-home mom (OH MY GOD I HATE THAT TERM SO MUCH) have made me even more of a feminist than I otherwise might be. When I was working, there was a very real sense of "go along to get along" with regards to how much I was being paid and the work I was being asked to do. Now, however, I am much more fierce and vocal about what I do and how I feel about it.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time? How?
Oh, sure. When I was younger (teenage years, mostly) it was really a matter of putting on the boots and stomping around, you know? There was a bullheaded, in-your-face style working, definitely. Later on, I learned to listen a little more and yell a little less and it became less about GIRLS FIRST and more about "we're all people, why are there these discrepancies in the way we're treated?" That's when I started to ask questions.

Nowadays, I feel like feminism isn't so much about women only, but all people who aren't "first." Basically, everyone but straight, white dudes needs a little support. Like I said before, we're all people, so we should all be on the same level. I know in practice that is pretty much impossible, but it would be nice if we could all at least TRY, you know?

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
In college, I bumped up against some resistance when I pledged a fraternity. The fraternity was co-ed, and we did have a sister sorority (also co-ed), but at the time, their organization was a mess and the women in it were not really the sort of people I wanted to hang out with, so I joined the fraternity instead. Having to explain that to outsiders was sometimes challenging, and having to explain that yes, we considered ourselves "brothers" and not "sisters" was always a lot of fun. In my Women's Studies courses, that was constantly challenged by ladies who identified as much more radical feminists than I do. But for me, the fact that I even had that choice and made that choice was an expression of my feminism moreso than if I would have done the "normal" thing and pledged a sorority. But you know, feminism is as much about choice as it is anything else, and that was the one point I always tried to make.

Now, I find I struggle with it a lot more. I'm raising a girl, and there are lots of times when I have to stop and think really hard about what I'm doing and why. Is it for her benefit or mine?

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I would like to see feminism disappear, really. It shouldn't even be a thing that we think about. American society will probably never get anywhere near that ideal, but it would be great if it wasn't news when a woman runs for President. It would be awesome if there were more women CEOs of major companies, etc. But I don't see that happening. What I do see is our generation and our children being the ones to say "why?" or "this isn't fair." Teaching our kids that everyone is equally valuable and valued is the key thing.

Rachel is an ass-kicking, name-taking Domestic Ninja/Goddess who enjoys knitting, baking bread, playing Tetris, and having Rick Astley dance parties with the kid. She knows all the lyrics to most popular songs from the 1980s, regularly kick ass at Jeopardy, can quote the first 10 seasons of The Simpsons, and has been known to read Beowulf in the original Old English. You can find more about Rachel by visiting her website or following her on Twitter!

If you would like to participate in this series, please contact me for more details!

Link Love!

2011-07-29T10:00:00.001-04:00

Friday love in the form of a bicornate uterus...(not min though). It's in honor of the IUD I just got in my own ute. Now we end the TMI portion of Friday Link Love. Carry on.

* Actress Rosario Dawson was featured in Shape Magazine, and shared some smart insight into the problem of body pressure on women.

* My friend Ashley wrote about suburban vs. city living. Where do you land on that issue? (Me? I'm all over the place! ha. Get it? All over the place? Yeah...the heat might be getting to me...)

* The NYTimes parenting blog, The Motherlode, talks about the science of sex and babies. Totally nerdy and interesting to me. Thought now I feel like there was some miscommunication going on, since I really had absolutely zero sense of what sex my baby was in utero (despite everyone claiming they knew it was a boy. Mom = zero. Everyone else = one. Awesome.)

* Next up on my summer reading list: Reality Bites Back. Because if I'm not watching my crappy reality shows, I might as well be reading about how crappy they really are!

* Thank heavens Stephen Colbert is around to give the smack down on the new Summer's Eve ad campaign that is both borderline racist and sexist.

Share your own links or link to things you've enjoyed this week down below!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like: Tara

2011-07-27T10:10:00.001-04:00

This is the 1st post in my "This Is What A Feminist Looks Like" series. If you would like to participate, please get in touch!

Name: Tara Sullivan
Age: 32
Occupation: Mother/Baker/"artist"
Location: Cape Cod

Tara

How do you define feminism?
To me feminism is: I'm as good as he is and so is she. It's breaking down stereotypes. It's tiling the bathroom myself. It's playing hockey instead of figure skating. It's defending the reproductive rights of all women. It's teaching my daughter that she can be anything she wants. It's not settling for less.

When did you first identify as a feminist?
I was always a "tomboy". I always preferred catching snakes to playing dolls, but I think somewhere between grades 10 and 11 I started to really grasp the concept and identify as a feminist. I cut off all my hair. I stopped shaving (although partly because I was also boycotting gillette at the time). The riot grrrl movement taught me a lot. I owe a lot of my early education in feminism to Kathleen Hanna. Hah.

Has your (definition of) feminism changed over time?
Not really to tell you the truth. I think the only thing that has changed is how radical I am about it externally, if that makes any sense. What I mean is that it's no longer plastered on my car or scrawled on my hand with sharpie like when I was younger. I am still just as passionate about it, but it's not like that surge when you first identify and just want to scream it from the rooftops.

Have you ever experienced resistance to identifying as a feminist? If so, why do you think that is and how do you handle it?
I've been incredibly lucky for the most part. I sometimes attribute that to living in a blue state, but I don't know if that's really true. I think resistance to feminism is fear based. The fear of losing power, of losing control. I have a very hard time trying to wrap my brain around women who are resistant to it. I have a whole host of thoughts on the subject, but I won't go into it here because I get very upset and nothing I say about that type of woman will be very flattering. At best I think they assume feminists are angry "man haters" which is something I can only roll my eyes and scoff at.

The only person I can really think of who had that whole "Women belong in the kitchen" outlook was an old boss of mind. I handled it by getting into huge debates with him on a weekly if not daily basis. I'm not sure it was worth it, since he's still just as misogynistic as ever, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. In the end I quit in a very satisfying way, but I should have done it sooner.

What do you see as the future of feminism?
I want to say I see us still making progress. I would LOVE to turn the radio on and not hear a bunch of men objectifying women. I would love for a woman to make as much as a man for the same position. And the optimistic part of me thinks that the majority of us are on that track, but then there is this entire backwards movement going on in our country right now. This giant backlash against making any progress as far as human rights are concerned and I worry that we are outnumbered. I worry that we are sliding backwards down the hill we fought so hard to climb. I worry that we're heading for a future much like the movie "Idiocracy". My hope is that we continue to make progress. That feminists will raise feminists and we just keep marching forward until it's just the norm, until we don't need to label ourselves as anything.

Tara Sullivan lives on Cape Cod with her husband, amazing daughter and two adorable dogs. Aside from her family and photography she loves vinyl records, typewriters, vintage cameras, her ukulele, starting to write a novel every year and never finishing it, The Clash, robots, her old English 3-speed bicycles, the library, baking, Jeopardy, NPR, eating locally, and apple products.

You can find Tara all over the interwebz:
Website
Twitter
Facebook

Beautiful Boy

2011-07-26T11:30:00.000-04:00

I never know what to expect with my son, and my parenting mantra so far has pretty much been: Expect the unexpected.

And it's true. Just when I think I've gotten things figured out, he goes and changes things up on me.

Lately, it seems as if EZ has been way more body conscious than normal. Within the last couple of months he's become much more insistent on his need for privacy when naked around others, which wouldn't be something of note if this wasn't the same kid who refused to wear clothes for most of his first three years of life.

Just last summer on Cape Cod

His behavior has been most notable this summer as we go swimming nearly every day. He demands a rash guard, refusing to swim topless (although, from a sun protection stand point, I'm actually on board with this one!). Whereas before, he would toss off his wet swim trunks wherever he was when it was time to leave, we either have to use the bathroom or create a towel barricade so he can change now.

At the spray park a few weeks ago with his bff

He's even taken to insisting that his best friend (a girl) doesn't see an inch of him if he has to swap clothes/put on a bathing suit. Yet, he's still totally fine with taking baths together with her. Yeah, I've stopped trying to figure out how a 4 year old's mind works too.

Beyond this new found modesty (which we're honoring for sure), he's also much more aware and vocal about the differences in people's bodies...sometimes in a jarring way. EZ has taken to letting MD know that, "you've got a big belly, daddy."

In fact he's shared the same sentiment with my father when he was visiting last weekend, much to my father's amusement.

At first I thought he was being observational, but then he continued to explain that, "they probably got those bellies from eating too much junk food and sweets."

Now, it's not that he's wrong...in fact, he's pretty much on the money, but it was his follow up thought that struck me.

"If I don't want a big belly like that, I need to stop eating junk food. I want a flat belly because it's better."

Sure, all of this can be chalked up to kids say the darnedest things, but it resonates a bit deeper for me. I started thinking about body image and how young it really starts.

Body image is something that has always been on my mind. Despite currently having a healthy sense of self, I've struggled, like many women, with my body image throughout the years. I've found that I've become much kinder and gentler with myself since giving birth (which is a whole other topic, perhaps for another time).

We're bombarded with media images on a daily basis, and given false images of what "perfect" should be, that I feel like I need to work even harder to encourage body-positive language and thought in my house.

Kimoralee Simmons on left/Heavily photoshopped ad of her on right.
Courtesy of Beauty Redefined

Most people might say, "But you have a son! It's so much easier! You don't have to worry about all the stuff young girls will go through with body image."

And while they're right that I won't be facing the same struggles those with daughters do, I'm also not blind to the very real problem of body image issues and boys. While finding statistics and studies that focus on boys is difficult, the evidence is out there. Boys compromise 5-15% of those struggling with bulimia, and I'm certain that those numbers are under reported for a variety of reasons.

Beyond eating disorders, 60% of preteens and teens feel their lives would be improved if they could change their weight. This dissatisfaction with weight and appearance is not something that is solely reserved for girls, and while it may be more prevalent, the notion that boys can fall into the same trap should not be ignored.

Photoshopped muscles on tennis star, Andy Roddick
Courtesy of Beauty Redefined

In addition to boys succumbing to negative body ideals, I would also like to raise a son who is aware of what women deal with due to the subversive messages regarding body image in the media. I want him to be educated about these issues so that hopefully he will be a body-positive male who "gets it" and doesn't buy in to the falsified media hype of what is "beauty" and "perfection."

So, do I really think my son is headed down the path of not accepting his body or having a possible eating disorder? No, I don't. But that doesn't stop me from realizing that there are those who do fall into these traps. I know of one young boy who started obsessing over what he ate starting at 6 years old. His reasons all boiled down to how he perceived himself and how he felt others perceived him. At 6.

Sadly, he's not alone. The number of kids who "diet" is only growing and they're starting younger as well. Frightening stuff.

When EZ makes comments like that, I remind him that we eat healthy as a family, and that by eating our "growing food," we'll make our bodies strong and full of energy. I don't focus on how our bodies look, but rather the awesome things they are capable of. If we can build up a strong confidence in him at this age, then perhaps it will be easier for him to rebuff the thousands of images he'll see as he grows up that push another message.

Thankfully, I'm not alone. There are wonderful groups out there that promote and support body positive language and efforts. One of them that I've become familiar with, Beauty Redefined, has recently been in the news for creating billboards in their hometown of Salt Lake City, Utah, that promote body acceptance.

Also, coming up: August 7th is Body Positive Day! Do your best to be body positive. Watch this video for inspiration. I'll check in that day with what I did. Can't wait to see what you choose to do!

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like

2011-07-25T11:13:00.000-04:00

I know it's shocking. The Mamafesto is a feminist.

I'm starting a new series for the blog, and I'm super excited that I just couldn't sit on it any longer (and by longer I mean the last two days...I'm awfully impatient!)

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like is a series that will profile feminists from all over. Inspired by the 10 Questions On My Feminist Motherhood over on the Blue Milk blog, this tumblr, and this video by the Feminist Majority, I decided I wanted to keep exploring, keep question and keeping finding the voices and faces of feminism.

This notion isn't new for me, and is in fact what I focused my Masters thesis on way back when. I went around the country videotaping interviews with women in their 20s, in hopes of better understanding how they viewed feminism in their lives. I combined that with research, text review, and my own collection of data (via emails/questionnaires/etc...) to look at the status of feminism in the lives of twenty-somethings.

I loved being able to attach names, faces, and most importantly stories to the statistics I had been collecting and studying. After completing my own questions for Blue Milk, I decided I wasn't done thinking about the concept of feminism, who identifies as such...and why. And so, a new blog series was born.

In addition to my regular posts, I will be creating posts that fit under the "This Is What A Feminist Looks Like" header. Each post will profile a new feminist, giving us a little glimpse into his/her views on feminism. With this series I hope to highlight a wide array of feminists...proving that anyone and everyone can be a feminist. While there may be stereotypes of what a feminist is, my goal is to use this series to break those down and showcase everyday people who just happen to be *gasp* feminists.

I already have a handful of wonderful posts ready to go, but I'm looking for more!

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Do you have a few minutes to answer some questions? Do you want to share your thoughts with us? If so, please contact me via email to get started.

I can't wait to share a variety of voices with you all. The first post in this series is set to launch later this week!

What Are The Odds?

2011-07-24T11:22:00.000-04:00

The other week I wrote a guest post for Blue Milk's blog. I absolutely love her fresh and candid take on motherhood, and was more than thrilled to answer "10 Questions About My Feminist Parenthood."

Not only did it give me a chance to really think about my own philosophies and parenting style, but it provided some great discussion afterward (via Twitter, Google+, FB, etc...).

There was one comment on Blue Milk's blog, though, that stuck with me...

"JB" wrote:

In terms of adult men, well I have somewhat figured out a process around that with my husband, and the unpaid work I do garners a great deal of respect and appreciation, which is communicated. However everyday when I do the dishes, basically because it makes sense to (even though there is no expectation that I do it) being feminist and a mum can feel somewhat at odds!

This resonated with me, mostly because I find myself at odds with this idea as well. Not a day goes by without some small passing thought on the subject, and I think any mother - feminist or not - has to have similar thoughts...right?

Trying to come to terms with the woman you are today versus who you were, especially with the addition of a child, can be tricky. If you've decided to stay at home, there's a host of feelings that surround that. Even choosing to work and parent must come with it's own set of conflicting feelings.

Do you ever feel at odds as a parent (either as a mother/feminist or even going from non-parent to a parent)? If so, how do you negotiate it?

Some days I can simply acknowledge the thought and let it pass. Other times I spend way too much time and energy focusing on it, wondering WTF this all means anyhow and am I making the right choice? and is this what it's all about? and what if I'm just wasting away my education? and what the heck's for dinner anyway?

Sigh.

I'd love to know if others join me in the ~~sometimes but not always~~ crazy...?

Link Love!

2011-07-22T08:54:00.000-04:00

Melting heart of love in "honor" of the 3 digit temps on tap for today. Yikes.

* A little eye candy never hurt anyone, and it's even cooler when it's actual candy (as well as pineapple leaves, shrimp tails, and more!) magnified to the point where you're not quite sure what you're looking at. Check out the gallery of photographer Caren Alpert for some creative takes on everyday food.

* There is a new website called The Parent DuJour, and even thought it's less than a week old, I'm loving it already. Everyday they feature a new parent and their goal is that over the course of a year to share stories of moms and dads from around the world. Definitely check them out and maybe you can even add your story!

* Have you seen the racist, sexist ads Summer's Eve has recently released? I definitely am NOT loving those, but I am loving the fast and furious response from folks. For the life of me, I can't even fathom who thought they would be a good idea.

* I'm pretty sure that Jon Stewart is the only person who could make me laugh about a Congressman calling a Congresswoman out for "not being a lady." Oh wait, Stephen Colbert can as well.

* My friend Sarah wrote a great post about friendship & feminism. Makes me both cherish my current friendships and foster my newly found ones.

* Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a soft spot for Acapella music. In fact, I'm already counting down to the new season of The Sing-Off. I also have a soft spot for '90s pop. Combine the two in an awesome medley and you've got the Song(s) that sings to me this week!

What's been on your radar this week? (And feel free to post links to your own stuff as well!) Share below or on The Mamafesto Facebook page!

Link Love!

2011-07-15T11:05:00.000-04:00

A little love via Natalie Dee...b/c who doesn't love ice cream?

* How about a little self-serving love this Friday? No...not that kind, get your mind out of the gutter! I created a Facebook page for The Mamafesto, so hop on over there are "like" it and tell your friends, neighbors, mail carriers and random strangers you pass on the street all about it! For every "like," a fairy gets her (or his!) wings. Promise.

* Michelle Bachmann continues to scare me, but at least Stephen Colbert makes me laugh a little over the absurdity of it all.

* Despite the fact that I was stung by a bee this week (grumble grumble stupid weeding), I find these bee ear buds to be absolutely darling (via The Hairpin).

* Not a huge fan of the article's title, but the concept is interesting. Can a feminist diet?

* I have a piece that will be published over at The Hairpin later this month (oh, don't you worry, you know I'll make sure you all find out when it's up asap). If you've never checked them out, please do. You can read up on anything from 'snappy things to yell back at construction workers' to French cocktails, and their "Ask a Dude" column always gives me a chuckle.

* The song that sings to me this week is actually a medley of Phish songs, and is the soundtrack for a fabulous (if not super fast and tweaky on the eyes) video that highlights the incredible weekend we had over 4th of July.

Link Love!

2011-07-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

Back from vacation and ready to share the love...

* Anyone who knows me, knows that I absolutely abhor the show Toddlers & Tiara's, but this? This I can live with.

* I loved reading this post about pit hair from Bust so much that I had to comment. The picture is kind of awesome as well.

* This list of top 100 kid's books of all time has been making the rounds. A bunch of our favorites are up there and a bunch of books that I'm "meh" about. What's your take?

* Time for a little self promotion! While I was away, two pieces that I wrote were published. This first one is from an essay contest that I won and the 2nd is all about why we chose to have a doula attend the birth of our son.

* The song that sings to me was one that was played this past weekend at the Phish music festival that we attended. It sums up the weekend perfectly.

Feel free to share links that you've been loving on in the comments!

Warrior

2011-07-07T10:08:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if my husband does things just so I have stuff to blog about.

A week or two ago he took EZ out for a bike ride and they didn't return until late in the day. I wondered what they had been up to, as we have lots of great little parks and special places to enjoy in the area. It turns out that they spent some time at a favorite toy store in town and returned with a butterfly net and...some sort of creepy, ugly, battle axe and sword wielding warrior action figure.

Yeah.

MD knew it wouldn't be kosher in my book either, because the first thing EZ said as he proudly held this toy out for my inspection was, "Daddy said you'd be upset with this, but that I could get it anyway."

Yeah.

EZ took his new action figure and ran away, already eager to terrorize a Lego village with it or something.

Action warrior in question

My first instinct was to grab the toy and toss it out in the next day's trash. My own "anti-violence" warrior rose up to resist this toy (ironic, no?). However, EZ had already grown quite attached to it and I could see that any effort on my part to take it away would have been met with a boat load of resistance, tears and grumpy dispositions all around.

So off he went to play while I had a little chat with MD. And talk we did. There was no fighting or angry accusations or lengthy tirades. He knew that I would more than likely be pissed about the action figure, but he felt that in the grand scheme of violent toys, that this was actually okay.

His main argument, beyond the fact that this was more of a fantasy toy than a real one (compared to a toy gun and the like, which he would never buy), was that he grew up with "violent toys" and he "turned out fine."

And it's true. He totally did. MD is not an axe wielding psychopath or even somebody who stomps on ants just for the heck of it. He doesn't yell or shout, use his hands in anger, and is generally one of the more peaceful people that I know.

But there's still some part of me that wonders...does that matter? Perhaps back in the '70s and '80s it was okay to have a so-called violent toy or two because we were only on the cusp of aggressive marketing and kid's shows were a little less intense (for lack of a better word). There also wasn't the immediacy of the internet or apps or other things that have us constantly plugged in.

My mind grew weary thinking of all the potential outcomes of playing with this toy. EZ really seemed attached. I tried in my own gentle way to impart to him why I disliked this toy so much. Yet, it didn't seem to make much of a difference. The plastic warrior had to watch him bathe and slept right next to him. It joined us at the breakfast table and on car rides. It even made it's way into EZ's backpack for our 5 day RV trip this past weekend.

And then...nothing. I haven't seen it since Monday, and he hasn't talked about it since. He's now pushing for a Woody doll (something that despite the abhorrent and fervent Disney marketing, is a bit more palatable in my book).

So where does that leave things?

I still wouldn't have bought it, had I been with him that day in the toy store, but I'm also not in the "this was irreparably harm his psyche and kind heart" camp anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm lining up to buy the next awesome yet violent toy, and neither is MD. I guess it becomes a case by case basis that will only occur more frequently as he gets older.

I just hope I have my own warrior inside of me to deal with it all.

Summer Wish List

2011-06-30T08:00:00.001-04:00

My friend Sarah posted a "Summer Wish List," inspiring me to do the same. It wasn't that hard of a sell, to be honest. I'm known around these parts as a list fiend. It even gets to the point where I make lists of lists.

So really, this was right up my alley.

Dive in and share my summer wishes and feel free to leave your own in the comments below (or link to your own lists if you end up creating them!). My wish list includes lots of fun, easy breezy summer-esque things, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I debated about how many to include, and in the end whittled it down to 31 in honor of this, my 31st summer.

1. Bike more often. Bike to the park, to the store, to the bank, to the reservoir. Just...bike.

I didn't get this sweet ride for nothing...

2. Get EZ a two-wheeler bike and put in the time to get him from scooting around to biking around.

3. Learn to play the guitar and/or ukulele.

4. Visit new parks besides the 2 or 3 usual "go-to" ones we frequent.

5. Camp on the beach.

From our (trying to be) yearly trip to Cape Cod

6. Practice more yoga.

7. Try my hand at making my own fish tacos.

8. Knit something. I always start knitting once the weather gets cold, but due to my procrastination, it's never done until May. I figure if I start in the summer, I'll have something ready to keep me warm by October!

9. Go on more picnics.

10. See more awesome live music.

Phish

11. Take a capoeira class.

12. Make more jam!

My 1st ever batch of canned strawberry jam.

13. Pick blueberries (more than once!)

14. Read more actual books (and slowly ween from reading online). Suggestions?!

15. Visit NYC at least 2 more times (and make sure to eat lots of arepas & cereal milk soft serve).

16. Keep our tiny garden weed free.

My mom, EZ & me working on the garden last year

17. Paint our bedroom.

We painted the stairway/halls last year...then lost steam.

18. Bake cake in jars.

19. Make a pie for Sarah's pie contest (her wish #19 as well).

20. Eat more pie in general. Preferably a la mode.

21. Get an IUD (is that too personal for this blog? ah well. There you go. It's out there).

22. This will be the summer of the dress.

♥ this one from J. Crew

23. Paint my toe nails all sorts of crazy, fabulous, wonderful colors.

24. Treat myself to a massage.

25. Eat more kale. (you know, to offset all the extra pie)

26. Eat soft serve for dinner at least once twice.

27. Teach EZ Hebrew.

28. Take pictures using my camera more (instead of my iPhone)

29. Go on a girls' night out.

30. Turn my cell phone off (despite all it's awesomeness) more.

31. Take an outdoor shower!

Upon a second glance, I realize that this list is a little food heavy, but I'm more than okay with that. My tummy is too.

Let's meet up in September and we'll see how well I did...

I showed you mine, you show me yours!!

NPR Reports: The End of Gender?

2011-06-28T08:25:00.004-04:00

Even just reading the title of this NPR article makes me feel like I should be running toward the hills in fear.

But yet, here I am, calmly sitting at my computer, simply mulling it all over. The article itself is interesting, but my answer (both before and after having read the article) would be...No.

I honestly don't feel that allowing kids (or adults for that matter) to step outside socially constructed gender boxes is a.) harmful or b.) going to create the dissolution of gender as we know it.

While it may seem that there has been a media focus on those who've stepped outside gender constructs lately, this "issue" isn't really a new one. There have been those bucking the trend for years, yet for some reason (and I am always open to hearing folks' theories) the media is hyper focused on it now.

When Marlo Thomas' Free To Be You & Me came out, both the book and the DVD Tape record made it's way into many kids' homes, including mine. I have fond memories of playing my record over and over again on my Fisher Price player, singing along to Parents Are People and eagerly listening to the story of "Atalanta."

I also remember listening to William's Doll. This song told the tale of young William and the love he shared with his doll. I wonder how many young boys listened to the same song and were reassured of their own choice to play with a doll? Yet, despite "William" and other young boys' desires to play with dolls, I'm certain this didn't impact their masculine identity in a damaging way.

William and his doll didn't cause the dissolution of gender lines. We didn't lose the "machismo" of our armed forces nor did we forget how to procreate (two fears that Fox News' Dr. Ablow is certain will come to fruition if boys are allowed to paint their toes or play with dolls. sigh.)

Even stories such as the one about Storm and his folks aren't going to bring an end to the concept of gender. While I may not fully champion it (it's not my decision, so does that even matter?) I don't think that not revealing your child's gender to the public will harm a deeply seeded societal concept. Gender construct is the majority notion for all intents and purposes, and I do not see it going away, nor would I necessarily want it to.

I've never advocated for the dissolution of gender constructs, but rather for the acceptance of those who choose to play outside those rigid lines. Let's try and focus on that rather than the sensationalized calamity that is (but really isn't) the end of gender.

Link Love!

2011-06-24T09:00:00.008-04:00

love...straight from EZ's hands this week

* Jon Stewart nails it out of the park (again) on this Fox News Sunday segment. Brilliant + hilarious = awesomeness.

* NPR came out with this interesting look at "the end of gender." You can be sure I'll have something to say about it. Until I get a chance to sit down and do that, take a gander at what they had to say!

* Bamboo Magazine came out with their Summer issue this week and it's got a bunch of interesting reads (including a small editorial written by me on page 75! at least, I hope mine is interesting...)

* In case you need to brush up...check out this Bitches' Guide to Etiquette. It's okay. We all need a refresher now and then.

* It may come as a surprise that I kind of dig Lady Gaga (or not, who knows what you folks out there in Internet land think of me). I also love people who cover her song, and this version with two men, one guitar playing Bad Romance, bluegrass style is totally the song that sings to me this week!

Where have you been wasting your time online this week? Feel free to leave some link love yourself in the comments!

Sexualizing To Sell Swimwear

2011-06-23T09:40:00.001-04:00

When my son was born, I had a brief moment of "b-b-but he isn't a girl." It passed in the blink of an eye, but it was still there (I feel almost guilty admitting it, but there you go). We had opted not to find out the sex of the baby beforehand, and I'll admit I had little fantasies of raising a kick ass feminist daughter while pregnant. Of course, since then I've learned that I'm raising a pretty kick ass feminist son, so all is good in that regard.

In the past 4.5 years, I've found myself immersed in issues related to raising boys. My days are mostly relegated to navigating things like long hair, painted toe nails, princess play, and learning to find the balance (if there is any) with gun play, amongst many other things. While issues affecting young girls do interest me, they mostly reside in my periphery, and I find myself giving them time when I can.

There are times, however, when I simply can't ignore an issue related to young girls...as a parent, as a woman, and just as a human being.

Yesterday, my Twitter feed and Facebook wall was abuzz about Submarine Kids, a swimwear line with a questionable marketing campaign. I found myself almost bypassing the link, but ended up clicking, much to my dismay. There I found pictures of little girls in small bikinis, styled to look like young women with heavy make up, wigs and overtly sexualized posing. My heart sank and my stomach turned. How was this any way to market bathing suits to young girls?

Image from Submarine Kids

The young girls I know can't be bothered to stand still long enough to pout their lips, give "come hither" looks or pose their bodies in ways that suggest overt sexuality. They're too busy swimming, splashing and running and generally using their bathing suit for their intended purpose - playing in the water and protection from the summer sun.

This site was first brought to my attention by Melissa Wardy of the fabulous Pigtail Pals. Melissa succinctly summed up the issues I had with the swimwear site in a wonderfully worded letter she wrote to the president of the company.

While I knew that there would be those who would read Melissa's post and say that people were "overreacting," I wasn't prepared for comments from those who not only seemed to be wearing blinders, but accused Melissa and others of looking for trouble where there was none.

While I am completely against sensationalizing things for the sake of furthering a cause, this simply isn't the case with this marketing. Using heavily made up girls in provocative poses sells sex before it sells swimwear.

I have no problem with trendy, well made, adorable swimwear. As a parent, comfort and sun protection are my top goals when it comes to swimsuits, and I can't imagine those would change had my child been a girl. Yet, if a young girl wants to wear a bikini and her parents are okay with that, then it's their choice. That is not my issue.

My issue revolves around the sexualization of these young girls in order to sell these particular bathing suits. There is healthy sexuality, and then there is sexualization, which is something entirely different.

According to the APA, sexualization occurs when:

a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;
a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;
a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.

The marketing campaign that greets you when visiting Submarine Kids falls right into the above, with little regard for the potential affect it might have on their target audience.

There is no need to dress up young girls in a manner that clearly brings to mind older, sexual women. Vampish wigs, thick make up and poses that show off body parts that are years from even being developed comes across as not only vulgar but almost predatory.

To place overt sexuality upon these girls to sell swimwear is both out of place and damaging on many levels. It not only encourages the idea that it is okay to sexualize little girls, but it attempts to normalize it, when it is anything but normal.

One commenter on the Pigtail Pals post suggested that perhaps because the owner of the swimwear line is Brazilian, that the lax view of sexuality was cultural. That is a huge leap to make. A lax view on sexuality and sexualizing young girls are two separate things. And perhaps trying to write it off as "oh, it's just a Brazilian thing" further enables the atrocities that actually occur in Brazil. Brazil actually has one of the largest child prostitution problems in the world (after Thailand), so perhaps it is that embedded acceptance that allows for others to gloss over the sexualization in these photographs.

With both child prostitution and child trafficking growing problems in Brazil, it seems even more upsetting that a Brazilian created company would market swimwear using pictures eerily reminiscent of those used in relation to child prostitution.

It is a shame, really, as the company has a variety of truly kid-friendly suits hidden behind the appalling marketing that greets you when you go to the site. Why Submarine Kids chooses these overly sexualized images to be the face of their company when they could easily use more appropriate ones is beyond me. Perhaps these are questions we should be asking the president of the company.

A Week In The Life...

2011-06-20T10:35:00.003-04:00

And it was so...pink.

Which is really not my thing. At all. Which is slightly ironic for somebody who champions her son's love of all things princess and pink.

But, really. Pink and I just don't really mesh. I've never loved it and tend to stray from it in most aspects of my life except fruity cocktails. My wardrobe is a muted mix of greens, browns and blues with the occasional shade of purple or maroon tossed in for good measure. But rarely will you ever see pink in there. (Okay, I'll cop to a salmon colored v-neck shirt that mostly gets worn to sleep).

When I paint my toenails, I usually opt for metallic purple, turquoise or green. Sometimes I'll go crazy and opt for gold or silver. The only reason I even have pinks or red in my polish collection are from holdovers from when I volunteered at a retirement center and would give manicures to the residents (who loooooooooooved a deep, vampy red or soft, coral pink).

And yet, despite my apparent aversion to the color, bits of pink have been slipping into my life...mostly through EZ. Last week, more than most, proved that.

Earlier in the week it was rainy, so we decided to paint nails together to pass the time. He insisted on rainbow toes.

I, on the other hand was debating between a dark, shimmery plum color and a matte chartreuse. EZ wouldn't hear of it.

"Pink!" he demanded, and I shook my head, fierce in my refusal.

"But it will look so prettttttty. You'll look so pretty, Ima."

Then he did something crazy where his eyes grew two sizes and his already plump bottom lip pouted out even further and I...caved.

And you know what? It's not horrible kind of cute. I still look down at my toes and think they're somebody else's every so often, but the pink is actually, dare I say it, growing on me. But, as polish is easily removable, we'll see how long it lasts. But let it not be said that I don't try new things, or try to act outside the box (or I guess act inside the gender construct box in this case!)

The pink parade didn't end there, however.

Midweek EZ hung out with my friend and her daughter, running errands. He came home all excited to show me his new swim vest. We had been borrowing one from another friend, so I was curious as to why he needed this one.

"Because it's pink!" he exclaimed as if that made all the difference.

Splashing at a pool party at the end of the week

In fact, as I was told later. He not only wore it all throughout the store, but at Trader Joe's as well. When I asked him why he chose that specific one, I was surprised to hear that the answer was "flowers" rather than just "pink."

The pink swim vest has been a constant ever since then, and not only at the pool. It's accompanied us out on errands (just in case we run into a surprise swimming hole?) and I have to say that like my painted nails, it's grown on me. When my kid looks that darn cute in it, it's hard not to dig it just a little bit...even if it is pink.

Perhaps this is the summer of pink. Where I let my own prejudices go and learn to accept this oft maligned (at least in my mind) color. Who knows, by the end of August you just might find me sporting a look that even Barbie would envy.

Or not.

Link Love!

2011-06-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

A busy week leads to little link love...not because I don't think there's a bunch of fabulous stuff out there this week, but because I've been too busy to find it! If you've found something I just *have* to check out, please link to it in the comments...I could use a little distraction!

Love in photo form from my fabulous friend Abbe's blog: Make.Do.See.Be

* While I only have one kid and one cat, this illustrated description of nighttime more than accurately depicts some nights I've experienced (more than I care to remember...).

* Samuel L. Jackson reads a wonderfully NSFW(or kid's ears) bedtime story that gave me the giggles.

* Stumbled across yet another fabulous positive body image website.

* This week's song that sings to me is well...it's whatever you want it to be. This site lets you use YouTube videos to create your own masterpiece. I could waste hours here.

Nothing To Say About A Night Out

2011-06-13T17:29:00.000-04:00

Some days I wonder about this whole blogging thing...

There are days when I wake up with an entire post already prewritten in my head, and I'm chomping at the bit to get it down before I forget. Other times I'll read an article or other blog and it sets something off where I absolutely need to respond. There are also times when an idea will stew in my brain until I've found the words to properly express myself.

And of course, there are times when I have nothing to say. And today seems to be one of those days.

Well, that's not entirely true, but you don't really want to hear about bug bites the size of golf balls, the squirrel that got trapped in our basement for 3 days, or my current penchant for Arnold Palmers, do you?

Perhaps I have little to say because I spent this past weekend in NYC, including a night away from EZ (who slept over my folks' house). There was little parenting involved, really (and a Zach Galifinakis sighting, but that's neither here nor there), so what would I have to write about?

The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized that the whole "no parenting for a night" was actually a pretty big event in our household.

It was EZ's first night away from both of us (we've previously had solo nights away for various reasons). Some might think that we waited too long to have a night away from our 4.5 year old - I know my own folks have been pushing us for an overnight for a while now. But to me, it felt just right.

It was EZ's idea, and while there were moments of anxiousness leading up to the big night (for both of us!), we talked through them and he seemed genuinely excited. The evening went off without a hitch...

We got to enjoy subway rides without somebody tugging on our arms showing us every.single.bit of graffiti we passed, and ate a leisurely 3 hour (!!!) dinner with friends at a delicious restaurant.

And an hour and a half away, EZ had a blast with his grandparents, eating ice cream and watching movies. Both MD and I enjoyed ourselves and are already planning our next overnight away, despite the lingering whispers of guilt.

Guilt?

Yeah, guilt. Over, you know, having fun and doing things without my kid. In my head, I knew how illogical that even sounded. Of course I'm entitled to a night away from my son where I can have fun, let loose and not have that responsibility for a while. But that didn't stop my heart from feeling that small tug.

The various feelings battled themselves out in my head (and heart). I enjoyed the night away with MD...we had fun being childless for the evening with little responsibility. At the same time, I missed my son, despite knowing he was having fun and enjoying himself as well. In the end, I figured that there was enough room inside of me to allow for both...I could still have a night out while missing my son.

While I'm sure that the feeling will lessen the more we do overnights away, it's interesting to me that I still had those thoughts. I'm trying not to be hard on myself or judgmental, just observant, really.

It helps when others observe these things as well.

As I collected my thoughts on this topic, it almost felt serendipitous to come across this article by Mayim Bialik. She writes about something similar (although she was away from her kids for longer, for work related reasons) and I appreciate having another voice out there sharing my thoughts.

And, as always...I'd love to hear yours.

Link Love!

2011-06-10T08:40:00.000-04:00

Strawberry love picked earlier this week

* Loving this fabulous picture linked from Beauty Redefined about body hair. Ever since I begged my mother to let me shave my legs before heading off to summer sleep-away camp at the ripe old age of 11, I've gone through phases of removing/leaving be my body hair and while it's certainly a personal choice, it always amazes me when people feel the need to chime in with their opinions.

* I love to cook. I love to watch people cooking even more, hence my addiction to shows like Top Chef. Now I've discovered I also love to watch people cooking while drunk. Specifically this girl. Her YouTube vids are hilarious.

* Oh, Jon Stewart. Thank you for making this former social studies teacher laugh. Also "Folksy Word Salad" = win.

* Awesome pictures of awesome people hanging out together and generally being awesome? Yes, please.

* This week's song that sings to me is a classic by The Beatles. It's the way that it's sung that really grabs me.

Have it all?

2011-06-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

I may have applied for a job. (ok, so I totally did apply for a job, but the reality of it is a little overwhelming right now)

It's a part time position doing something that is incredibly interesting to me and I kind of really hope I get it.

I'm also incredibly scared.

Since I've sent in my application, I've found myself thinking about what would happen if I got the job... Could I actually have it all?

That term gets tossed around a lot in mommy-land...the notion that not only can you have a perfectly organized and awesome home life, but you can also land your dream job and make it all work.

That notion feels like something somebody sells you in a late night infomercial by a man in a heavily patterned sweater and Aussie accent.

And really...doesn't it seem like TV perpetuates that notion all the time?

Meaning...the pitch is always way more impressive than the actual thing being sold. I mean really: Snuggies? Pajama Jeans? The Quick Chop? Okay, maybe the Clapper...

But the reality seems to be that it's not actually that easy to achieve. After all, wasn't that the whole crux of the supposed mommy wars? When career moms and stay-at-home moms started "battling it out," it made the notion that you could "have it all" that much more unattainable.

Loving the fishnets on the career mom.

I'll be honest, I'm not so sure who started this supposed war, but I have a feeling it wasn't actually a pair of moms who faced off against each other. They were probably too busy cleaning the house, watching the kids, running errands and/or working.

Yet, I would also be naive to not realize the very real way this affects women who have children. Regardless of whether or not you buy into the whole concept of "The Mommy Wars" - it still exists and is pervasive enough in our culture that just the thought of applying for a part time job sets my head spinning.

Wow. Those kids look scared.

I'm sure I don't speak just for myself when I say that many of us feel pulled in both directions. Whether it's because we gave up careers before becoming stay-at-home parents, or because we now find ourselves at a job while somebody else watches our babies. There doesn't seem to be a perfect answer...that magical "have it all" notion wrapped up all informercial pretty like.

The more I've thought about all of this, the more I've started to wish that people would think in different terms. Instead of competing and comparing, isn't there a way we can find value in what we do, regardless of the choice?

One aspect I love about feminism and the women's rights movement is the fact that we fought for the right to choose. Betty Friedan vented about her frustrations with being stuck in the home in 1963, because back then there was much less of a choice revolving around what was expected of women. (And I should clarify, that while that feeling was probably shared with many across the country, Betty Friedan really spoke about/to white, married women with children in middle to upper class communities).

Thanks to Friedan and others like her, more women felt comfortable making the choice to join the workforce in addition to having families. And...some women felt comfortable (and validated) making the choice to stay home.

The fact that a war between women eventually developed over this freedom of choice continues to baffle me. Instead of judging the other, why can't we celebrate the face that we can actually make the choice?

Maybe I'm feeling defensive about it because I'm flirting with straddling the line...working part time outside the home while still being a part time SAHM. Maybe my fear is that while trying to do both (because I want to, not because I think I'm supermom or anything!) something will end up suffering.

Or...Maybe I'm just over thinking it all.

What do you think?

Link Love!

2011-06-03T09:00:00.003-04:00

Blurry, steamy love this week

* Beauty Redefined is an excellent website that recognizes and rejects harmful media ideals about beauty and health. Much of what they post is both fascinating and frightening, but I was really interested in this piece about physically photoshopping ourselves out of reality.

* Gender Across Borders ran a wonderful series on Masculinity this week that includes posts on a wide range of issues. There are a lot of them, but take the time to read through them - lots of food for thought!

* Just when we decide to cut our HBO, True Blood decides to come back with season 4. Of course. No worries. I'm sure we'll find ways to illegally stream watch it. Until then, sink your teeth (I know, I'm cringing too, but it had to be said) into this and this.

* Last time I'll mention this (probably not really), but I joined the 365 Project and am 3 days in. Feel free to follow me over there and see my year in photos.

* Oh, look. I'm mentioning myself yet again. I'm probably committing a bunch of internet and blogging faux pas by doing so, but whatever. These peanut noodles were amazing, and the threat of a tornado caused me to make them. So, there you have it.

* And finally...the song that sings to me this week is an old favorite by the Indigo Girls. No real reason, mostly because I feel like singing out loud and pretending I can harmonize. Come join me.

365 Project

2011-06-01T12:06:00.001-04:00

I like to take pictures.

I'm not the best at taking them, but in a batch of 100 or so, I'm bound to find a handful that stand out to me for whatever reason.

Pictures fascinate me. They tell stories, give us glimpses into other's lives and remind us of memories we want to cherish (and sometimes forget). It's with this spirit that I embark upon the 365 Project.

The goal: 365 different pictures - 1 a day over the course of a year.

It's both daunting and exciting all at the same time. I'm eager to see if I can actually stick to it, and am curious to see what my year in pictures will look like.

I won't be posting the pictures here daily, but you are more than welcome to check them out over at the 365 Project.

I've made a tab for the project up above, and you can head over there if you need a quick link to the website, or you can follow me directly as well.

My goal is to take a new picture every day (and not use the stockpile of photos I've amassed). We'll see what happens...

And just to officially celebrate the 1st day:

Picture #1 was taken around 4pm on June 1st...right between some hail and a tornado...

If you decide to participate and I'm not already following you, leave a comment below and I'll find you there!

Boys Don't Wear Dresses...Today

2011-05-31T10:30:00.004-04:00

I had been asked to submit some photos along with a short editorial I wrote up for Bamboo Magazine's upcoming summer issue. The piece takes a look at young boys and gender expression. In addition to some general thoughts, I mixed in a few personal stories as well. The editors asked for some photos of EZ playing dress up, yet all of the candid shots I have didn't quite match the aesthetic of the magazine (i.e. you can see piles of unfolded laundry or dirty dishes in the background), so I decided it was time to whip out the camera and stage a little photo shoot.

I explained to EZ that I wrote an article and needed a few pictures to go with it. I asked if he'd mind playing with his kitchen while I snapped away. He had no problem and I was able to get a handful of cute pictures, yet none that stood out to either me or the editors.

Totally adorable, but not exactly what we were going for...

Then...it rained. And rained. And rained. For almost two weeks. And I was unable to get any good photos outdoors (because we just could not escape the unfolded laundry and dirty dishes indoors!).

Finally, this past weekend we were blessed with beautiful sun (and heat and humidity) and I took advantage of it. I reminded EZ about needing some more photos and asked if he'd be okay with playing dress up with his best friend.

They occasionally spend hours all dolled up in fancy dresses playing Princess, so I didn't think it would be that hard to have him don a dress for a few minutes while I snapped some photos. EZ had other ideas.

"Ima, dresses are for girls. I'm a boy. I'll wear a tie," he informed me as his friend eagerly put on her ruffled tutu.

I paused, weighing my options. There was no way I was going to force him into a costume, even for the sake of an article. The whole point to my parenting philosophy is to allow him to feel comfortable enough to express himself in whatever manner he chooses, and while some days that might be wearing a princess dress, other days it's a tie (and some days it's wearing nothing at all. sigh.).

And...he's 4. Some days he does play around with the idea of stereotypical gender norms like "boys wear ties and only girls wear dresses." So, we talk about it. While I'd never force him to wear something he didn't want to, I let him know that boys can wear ties and so can girls...that whoever wants to wear a dress may do so. I remind him that he's free to make his own choice.

I still had a photo to take, however.

Before I had time to figure out what to do, the kids decided for me.

"Butterfly!" they shouted at the same time.

EZ had spotted a pair of pink, sparkly butterfly wings and a purple silk scarf, asking me to tie it around him.

"I'm a dad butterfly," he explained, in case there was any confusion.

"Great!" I exclaimed, watching as he ran around, fingers atop his head for antennae.

I was able to snap a bunch of really wonderful pictures and can't wait to see which one the magazine ends up using. However, the experience reiterated for me the importance of offering choices and working with whatever comes up...even if that means that my child wants to wear a dress tie butterfly wings!

My little butterfly

Link Love!

2011-05-27T09:30:00.000-04:00

A little love straight from the chalk masterpieces we've been creating lately

Here's where I've been spending my time this week...

* Somehow we jumped right into summer in the last day or so here in New England, and if the forecast has anything to say about it, we're looking at some more hot, humid, hazy days - perfect for jumping into the pool. Yup. Bathing suit season is officially upon us, and I can't wait. I've read a few interesting pieces re: bikinis and feeling fierce in whatever swimwear you choose, and wanted to pass them on. I fully intend to rock my bikinis and tankinis this summer (and am glad I've come to a place where I can feel that way)!

* My friend Abbe both inspires and amazes me. She's crafty, creative, and just plain cool. You can read about her crafty adventures on her blog, Make.Do.See.Be. This summer she'll be offering sewing classes for young kids, so if you live in the area - check her out!

* If you're not following the Feminist Hulk on Twitter - you should be (and while you're at it, follow me too!).

* This week's song that sings to me is a medley from the recent Billboard Music Awards. Cee-lo Green & his piano take performance to the next level.

* Raise your hand if you totally wanted to be Blossom in 1993. (I know I'm not the only one!) Now, beyond the amazing hats and flowing flowery dresses, actress Mayim Bialik has grown up and moved on to other awesome things... that still has me wanting to be Blossom. Check out this wonderful piece she wrote for Today on why women shouldn't fear home birth.

* And, finally... Beyonce came out with a new song/music video [Run the World (Girls)] and everyone has something to say about it. This fierce, articulate woman pretty much says it all for me.

Genderless From Birth

2011-05-24T11:09:00.001-04:00

It's no secret that I'm all for pushing the boundaries of antiquated gender norms. My son wears pink, has long hair and frequently paints his nails. We do our best to encourage play of all kinds, from T-Ball to art/music to imaginative play (like "family" or "princess" - 2 current top favs). I strive to check my own language and behavior, doing my best to show that it's not about gender, but rather about who you are that matters.

I write articles about this topic. I tweet about it. I speak about it at length with fellow parents, friends, family and the occasional stranger on the street.

I feel that it's important to have a dialogue about the social construct of gender and what it means in the larger scale of society. However, I also feel that while it's important to discuss, process and unpack issues surrounding gender, it's also possible to go too far.

Recently, this article about two Canadian parents who are raising their 3rd child, Storm, "genderless," popped up in my Facebook and Twitter feed, sending everyone a flutter. The comments on the article range from "Good for you!" to "Oh! The horror! You will screw up your child!"

I tend to fall somewhere in between.

Boy? Girl? Does it really matter. Look at the cuteness. Okay, I'm probably biased.
(EZ at 3 months old)

First, this is nothing unique. I briefly wrote about a Swedish couple who kept their child's gender a secret back in 2009.

Second, while I don't think there's anything "wrong" about attempting to raise your child genderless from birth, I feel that it might be a lot of effort for relatively little output. While it takes time and effort to train yourself to speak without pronouns, etc... a newborn baby is unaware of the concept of gender anyway (and will remain blissfully unaware of the concept until 2-3 years old). This begs the question then, who is this all for?

Rather than keep the baby's sex a secret in hopes that it will help change how we view gender, wouldn't it be more beneficial to actually disclose the baby's gender and explain how it's not such an identifying factor if you don't want it to be? To shroud it in secrecy seems to place more emphasis and importance on it rather than taking away the power, like the parents hope to achieve. In stripping their child of gender, they're making it into more of a "thing."

Going by the descriptions and photos of their two older sons, it seems they have been successful in raising two boys who are comfortable enough with their own gender to wear braided pigtails, whatever clothes they feel comfortable in (even if it means a pink dress), and involve themselves in whatever activity interests them. With seemingly well-adjusted children already, going this step further feels like a social experiment more than anything else.

And of course, the mama in me is amazed that two young boys have been able to keep their infant sibling's gender a secret as well. But of course, this is coming from the mom who's son shares pretty much every single detail of every single thing with every.single.person.

It will be interesting to see what comes of all of this. How will Pop (the Swedish child) and Storm turn out and what lessons will we eventually learn from these attempts at squashing gender right from birth? I just hope that while these children grow up presumably genderless, they don't lose a part of themselves in the process.

Link Love!

2011-05-20T08:15:00.073-04:00

Love in knit form. Found this reminder on a steel banister in town.
Knitting & random acts of awesomeness courtesy of Riot Prrl.

* My friend Ed started a new blog! There's a whole lot of pretty to look at. So... go look!

* Roseanne Barr is not only a hilarious comedienne, sitcom pioneer, and feminist, but she's also a damn good writer. She recently wrote an editorial for New York Magazine, and it's an interesting and detailed read about her struggles in Hollywood and more. Oh, and apparently she's a macadamia nut farmer now as well.

* Gender Across Borders has a post up this week that just set my mama heart a-fluttering. Please take the time to read this wonderfully written piece on The Misappropriation of Breastfeeding & the Shaming of Girls.

* 1. I was very surprised that there was such a thing as the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media. Super cool. 2. Not very surprised at their latest findings, however.

* I have a random obsession with mental hygiene videos from the '40s, '50s & '60s that were shown to high school age kids in school. These videos usually were on anything from manners to drug use to dating/social norms. That might give you some insight as to why I'm fascinated with this clip of the documentary "Growing Up Female" from 1971 that's currently making the rounds online.

* This week's song that sings to me is one that we've been singing around the house lately, thanks to EZ. I happen to prefer this John Denver/Muppet version, myself.

Clubbin'

2011-05-18T10:18:00.000-04:00

*Not* where I spend my mornings

I spend one morning every week tutoring teen mothers who are working towards their GEDs. They're only fifteen minutes down the road, but some days, it feels like a world away.

It's not because they all got pregnant before they turned 18 or dropped out of high school to raise their babies. Neither of those really seem to matter when we're sitting there debating various amendments for an essay or learning math together (because, despite my high school and college educations, math was -and will never be- my strong suit).

No.

It's because some days, in between reading passages and answering multiple choice questions, they'll say stuff like, "Yeah...you can not wear flats to the club. That is just so wrong and nobody will talk to you."

It's probably no big surprise that my life isn't clubs or fashion, and in fact has never really been those things, even pre-getting hitched and having a kid. That just wasn't my scene. But...that doesn't mean it doesn't interest me. I sat back and listened as the girls discussed the absolute tragedy that occurs if you wear flat shoes to the club.

While some of these girls are 19 or 20, some are younger, so it was interesting to hear their thoughts about clubs. Since they don't have legit IDs, one of them explained "All you need to do is be pretty," to get into the clubs.

I itched to get into a discussion about women and the power they hold with their looks and how that was being utilized/possibly exploited in these situations, but before I even got a chance, they were already on to another topic - flat shoes.

Perhaps it's important to note that while I'm almost 100% certain that I do own a pair of heels, I'm not all that certain where they actually are. My daily shoes range from flats to flip flops to sneakers to boots to going barefoot all together. Which apparently wouldn't bode well for my clubbing career.

"The boys will tell you. They'll get all up on the loud speaker if they have to. If you have flats on, they will let you know that you are not a woman or a diva."

Huh.

Now. I have absolutely no delusions that I'm a diva, my requests for room temperature water with a slice of lemon in them be damned. But, I am more than certain that the shoes I wear do not dictate my gender.

I'm also pretty sure that these club boys have no idea what they're talking about.

Raja looks better in heels anyway!

Again, I was biting my tongue, holding off the rant that was building inside of me. Then, one of the girls who I've spent the most time with piped up. She shared, in no uncertain terms, that what she wears (or doesn't wear) has no connection to whether or not she was a girl. For her, it was as simple as that. There was no mention (and really, mostly likely no knowledge) of feminist theory or railing against patriarchal systems or antiquated gender norms. This was just a girl telling it like it is.

She continued on to say that it was their loss if they wanted to act like idiots, and she wasn't at the clubs for them anyway. With conviction and a touch of sass to her voice, she said she would go to the club in her jeans, tennis shoes and hoodie if it meant having a night out with her friends, and that boys wouldn't be telling her what to do or wear.

The rest of the girls nodded in agreement and then moved on, giggling about something or another. It was a reminder to me that despite the fact that they're mothers (some of more than one), they're still teenagers, and they crave experiences beyond that of motherhood.

I'm just glad that they're not losing themselves in either process.

Toddlers, Tiaras & T-Ball

2011-05-16T11:00:00.001-04:00

Competition.

While I've never thought that there's anything wrong with a little healthy competition (see: heated games of Candy Land, Checkers & Sorry that have recently been played in our house), the last few weeks have reminded me that it can sometimes go too far.

A couple of weeks ago we started T-Ball.

EZ running the bases

I'll admit up front that despite my legacy as JV Girl's Soccer Captain in high school, I'm not much for sports. Beyond the X-Games or the Olympics, I don't really watch sports on television, and will only be dragged to an actual sporting event if somebody I know is playing and demands I attend. However, we thought that T-Ball could be a fun activity for an energetic kid like EZ, and when his bff decided she wanted to play as well, we signed them up.

Now I spend my Saturday mornings watching a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds running around haphazardly, tossing balls and having fun. We've seemed to luck out since the other kids and parents on his team (he's an Angel) as well as his coach, share the same easy going, relaxed, "let the kids have fun" mentality.

I think they're supposed to be practicing tossing the ball here...

EZ & his teammates hopping around the field

However, that's not the case for everyone. As EZ runs around (or sits next to me, not in the mood to play), I'm usually checking everyone else out. What I see makes my stomach roll at times: Other team's coaches being a bit too loud and forceful as a four year old stares off into space, unwittingly allowing a ball to fly by... A parent decked out in full Red Sox regalia, standing right behind her son on the field, dictating his every move and getting visibly flustered when he fails to follow directions... A little boy crying because he's just not having fun, yet is still forced to play.

It's that sort of icky behavior and competition that I can't get on board with. Perhaps that means I'm just not fit to be a "sports mom," and that EZ won't go on to bat in the national league. Or...maybe it means he will, because instead of feeling forced, he enjoyed the game. Who knows. (I'm secretly hoping he enjoys it for what it is now and leaves it at that, because otherwise I'll end up being the worst mom in the world who doesn't want to go visit her son at "work.")

There's grumbling and grimacing on my part, none too happy with the fact that some parents were taking T-Ball just a bit too far in my eyes. I realized that this was probably also only the tip of the competitive iceberg as far as kids and sports go. Then, I came home, caught up online, and thanked my lucky stars that I'm only dealing with T-Ball stuff and not Botox and virgin waxes.

What?

Yeah.

Beyond the world of competitive T-Ball, there are other arenas where children battle it out to emerge victorious, and one of them involves fancy dresses, fake tans, and tiaras. Despite my penchant for crappy reality TV, even I can't bring myself to watch as little girls are exploited in the name of pageantry. While I've mostly turned a blind eye to it, the latest news from the pageant circuit made me more than uncomfortable.

When 8 year old girls are getting Botox and "virgin waxes," and others are celebrating and promoting that? Something ain't right.

There is competition and then there is injecting your child with botulism to erase wrinkles. At 8 years old. If there was a line crossed, it happened so long ago that it's a blur in the distance at this point. I won't even get into the messages that are being sent when an 8 year old girl feels like she needs Botox, waxes and who knows what else to feel "pretty." What's going to happen at 10 or 12 or 16 when those aren't enough?

Perhaps it is too simplistic to remember the whole "let kids be kids" sentiment, but in an age where somebody in the medical field is providing Botox for pageant kids, I think I'm okay with simple.

Whether it's T-Ball or tiaras, the push for such fierce competition at such a young age unnerves me. While I'm beyond relieved that I will most likely not have to deal with such things as Botox and virgin waxes, I'm also not so sure what else is simmering beneath the T-Ball surface. This first foray into sports will certainly be an interesting one...