Diamonds & Hammers...Oh My.

Because pushing stereotypical gender toys to toddlers wasn't starting early enough, Fisher Price has come out with a set of rattles, marketed towards babies ages 3-18 months.

Am I shocked or surprised?

No.

Am I disappointed?

Yes.

Princess Free Zone has already written up a well-thought out post explaining all the reasons these rattles are feeding into the problem of gender stereotypes (and nicely addresses the "So What?" argument I hear way too frequently).

Of course, I couldn't help but add my own two cents:

Let's break this down quickly. For anyone who has a kid (or anyone with a lick of sense), we know that a 3 month old isn't going to be swayed one way or another based upon a rattle. An infant girl isn't going to play with her faux diamond, pink, plastic rattle and cement her membership in the girly-girl club, nor will an infant boy demand a trip to Home Depot for some tools of his own after gnawing on his hammer rattle.

So why am I getting so riled up about this?

It's because of the fact that Fisher Price feels that babies this young are already categorized by gender and should be catered to as such. They compound the issue with the accompanying phrases on the packaging.

Sweet Baby Girl  vs.  Busy Baby Boy

These just play into the falsehood of how some of society views babies: Sweet, docile baby girls versus loud, active baby boys. Toys that reinforce this notion simply perpetuate the falsehood.

I'll let Fisher Price in on a little secret...a 3 month old baby girl has no real concept that she's playing with a faux diamond rattle. In fact, she has no idea of the weight that little rattle in her hand actually possesses. Yet, as she grows up, those ideals will continue to be reinforced, over and over again - through toys, clothes, TV shows, movies, and more, until she gets to the point where she starts to buy into it, whether she truly believes in it or not.

Our kid's will be inundated with stereotypical gender messages throughout their entire childhood. Being a new parent is exhausting enough, do we really need to tire ourselves further by dealing with gender stereotypes this early out of the gate?

There are plenty of other options out there...

EZ chomping on a wooden rattle at 3 months old. No diamonds or hammers here!

And really, the mama in me is also kind of against these types of toys in general because...why? Why do babies need all this stuff (another post for another time, to be sure).

EZ playing with a favorite "toy" - a spoon.

Our consumerist culture has pushed us to the point where diamond rattles for 3 month old baby girls is somehow acceptable. If trends like these catch on, I'm almost fearful of what comes next...

(Toy manufacturers...please don't see that last sentence as a challenge. Really.)

Back To School

Note the plethora of books in the butterfly net. He's ready.

Almost every day for the past week has started the same:

"Do I get to go back to school today?"

***

When EZ was around two and a half, we started making the rounds to various preschools in the area. We were less worried about getting him on the baby-genius track, and more concerned with giving him a few mornings a week to interact with his peers while mama got a few hours to regain her sanity. If he happened to learn anything while there, even better.

We're lucky to live in an area saturated with schools - private, public, charter - you name it, we've got it. Almost every educational philosophy is represented, and the choices really are limitless (as long as your bank account is limitless as well...).

I started off by checking out one preschool in particular, intrigued by what they seemed to offer. EZ is a January baby, making him just short of that supposedly magic 2.9-by-September cutoff that many preschools adhere to. Perhaps it was my mistake to look at schools who abide by that rule, but there we were, meeting with the director of the program anyway.

She watched as EZ played with some toys that were left out as she described the program to me. Then, she pulled me aside and said that while she'd love to have EZ attend, they are pretty strict with their age minimum.

Had the conversation ended there, I probably wouldn't have thought twice and possibly would have even sent him there the following year. 

But then...

"And it's good anyway. That way, he'll be even older when he starts next year, making him on track with the other kids in the class, especially the girls."

Excuse me? 

Of course, I asked her to clarify.

She talked about how boys are naturally slower learners, how if he started this year he'd be behind and frustrated and wouldn't enjoy himself.

If I knew how to arch my eyebrow in that awesomely pointed way, I totally would have. Instead, I thanked her for her time, scooped up EZ, and left.

While I'm sure this director must have met students who fell into that description, she hadn't met EZ yet. Not really. She didn't know what he could or couldn't do, but because he's a boy, she already had a preconceived notion of what he was capable of.

And that totally sucked.

Now granted, I know that all of our kids are special snowflakes and when they do something it's the bestest thing ever and better than any other little kid doing the same exact thing. No, seriously, when EZ pooped in the potty for the 1st time, I almost held a parade

But, for me, this is beyond being fiercely protective of my son because he's mine, and more about this general idea that boy are intellectually slower than girls that has seeped into our society (and by extension - school systems).

I'm not suggesting that there aren't biological differences between boys and girls. I know there are. Books have been written about these difference suggesting they begin as early as the womb, and studies are always looking at the differences between male and female brains. However, regardless of the biological differences between the sexes, acting upon these theories in a way that could potentially affect them negatively in an educational setting makes me bristle.

I want a teacher to look at my child and see his potential, and not rely on the generality that boys are slower learners - that already puts him at a disadvantage. It could be as subtle as not starting to work on reading or math sooner, or over compensating with over the top attention when he manages to do something correctly.

In the end, we chose a school that happened to be a perfect fit. EZ's teachers look at him as an eager kid, full of questions and potential. They don't teach towards his gender, and in fact, in the two years that he's been there, not one teacher has made a comment about the supposed slow pace at which boys learn, or how he learns "as a boy." We've had discussions about his struggles with fine motor skills and his accomplishments in reading. Neither time were those skills, or lack thereof, connected to the fact that EZ is a boy. They were simply presented as "this is how your child is doing."

This Friday, EZ finally goes back to school. He's beyond happy, and I'm thrilled knowing he'll be walking into a classroom that views him as an individual, rather than a sum of his parts.

EZ at his birthday celebration (blowing out the "sun") at school last year

Schooled.

It's back to school time for most, and with that comes the excitement, nerves and anticipation of the first day.

Apparently, it also bring with it a huge helping of sexism.

JC Penny has made the news for selling back-to-school shirts for girls that reinforce the stereotype that as long as they're pretty, they don't need to worry about their intellect. My friend Melissa over at Pigtail Pals breaks it down and explains why JC Penny screwed up so poorly.

To their very little credit, JC Penny heard the backlash loud and clear and removed the shirt from being sold.

However, they continue to sell shirts that portray similarly sexist messages.

I guess girls are no longer taking Science, Math or History? BTW, I'm pretty certain I received an F in "shopping"

While most people get why the above shirts are offensive, many others have been espousing the whole "if you don't like it, don't buy it" notion. The problem with that is that folks don't need to buy it to buy into it. Just the fact that these shirts exist - pushing the stereotype that girls don't need to be brainy as long as they have their looks - reinforces a falsehood that some little girls might actually buy into.

Of course, I had to be fair. I went through all 22 pages of JC Penny's t-shirts for girls. Not all were this blatant. But, most of them did have qualifying words on them: Princess, Diva, Cutie, etc... Others had messages like "I heart bling." None besides a super cute & nerdy Hello Kitty shirt left me feeling all that groovy, to be honest.

I then decided to look through all 15 pages of the boys t-shirts. Hardly any had descriptive words. Lots of numbers and sports themed shirts, but not much was suggested beyond boys being "Rock Star!" "X-Treme!" or.... "boys."

What's with the disparity? The sad thing is, if I looked beyond JC Penny and compared other big box clothing stores, I'm certain to find similar trends. Girl style automatically equals commentary on looks and attitude, while boys' clothes tend to either be plain or lame.

I'm well aware that awesome kid-positive clothing exists out there. But these kinds of clothes are not available in big box stores where many people shop. These clothes are not the majority. But, perhaps, if more people are vocal about what they don't want to see on their children's clothes, perhaps retailers will start taking the hint...

Beautiful Boy

I never know what to expect with my son, and my parenting mantra so far has pretty much been: Expect the unexpected. 

And it's true. Just when I think I've gotten things figured out, he goes and changes things up on me.

Lately, it seems as if EZ has been way more body conscious than normal. Within the last couple of months he's become much more insistent on his need for privacy when naked around others, which wouldn't be something of note if this wasn't the same kid who refused to wear clothes for most of his first three years of life.

Just last summer on Cape Cod

His behavior has been most notable this summer as we go swimming nearly every day. He demands a rash guard, refusing to swim topless (although, from a sun protection stand point, I'm actually on board with this one!). Whereas before, he would toss off his wet swim trunks wherever he was when it was time to leave, we either have to use the bathroom or create a towel barricade so he can change now.

At the spray park a few weeks ago with his bff

He's even taken to insisting that his best friend (a girl) doesn't see an inch of him if he has to swap clothes/put on a bathing suit. Yet, he's still totally fine with taking baths together with her. Yeah, I've stopped trying to figure out how a 4 year old's mind works too.

Beyond this new found modesty (which we're honoring for sure), he's also much more aware and vocal about the differences in people's bodies...sometimes in a jarring way. EZ has taken to letting MD know that, "you've got a big belly, daddy."

In fact he's shared the same sentiment with my father when he was visiting last weekend, much to my father's amusement.

At first I thought he was being observational, but then he continued to explain that, "they probably got those bellies from eating too much junk food and sweets."

Now, it's not that he's wrong...in fact, he's pretty much on the money, but it was his follow up thought that struck me.

"If I don't want a big belly like that, I need to stop eating junk food. I want a flat belly because it's better."

Sure, all of this can be chalked up to kids say the darnedest things, but it resonates a bit deeper for me. I started thinking about body image and how young it really starts.

Body image is something that has always been on my mind. Despite currently having a healthy sense of self, I've struggled, like many women, with my body image throughout the years. I've found that I've become much kinder and gentler with myself since giving birth (which is a whole other topic, perhaps for another time).

We're bombarded with media images on a daily basis, and given false images of what "perfect" should be, that I feel like I need to work even harder to encourage body-positive language and thought in my house.

Kimoralee Simmons on left/Heavily photoshopped ad of her on right.
Courtesy of Beauty Redefined 

Most people might say, "But you have a son! It's so much easier! You don't have to worry about all the stuff young girls will go through with body image."

And while they're right that I won't be facing the same struggles those with daughters do, I'm also not blind to the very real problem of body image issues and boys. While finding statistics and studies that focus on boys is difficult, the evidence is out there. Boys compromise 5-15% of those struggling with bulimia, and I'm certain that those numbers are under reported for a variety of reasons.

Beyond eating disorders, 60% of preteens and teens feel their lives would be improved if they could change their weight. This dissatisfaction with weight and appearance is not something that is solely reserved for girls, and while it may be more prevalent, the notion that boys can fall into the same trap should not be ignored.

Photoshopped muscles on tennis star, Andy Roddick
Courtesy of Beauty Redefined

In addition to boys succumbing to negative body ideals, I would also like to raise a son who is aware of what women deal with due to the subversive messages regarding body image in the media. I want him to be educated about these issues so that hopefully he will be a body-positive male who "gets it" and doesn't buy in to the falsified media hype of what is "beauty" and "perfection."

So, do I really think my son is headed down the path of not accepting his body or having a possible eating disorder? No, I don't. But that doesn't stop me from realizing that there are those who do fall into these traps. I know of one young boy who started obsessing over what he ate starting at 6 years old. His reasons all boiled down to how he perceived himself and how he felt others perceived him. At 6.

Sadly, he's not alone. The number of kids who "diet" is only growing and they're starting younger as well. Frightening stuff.

When EZ makes comments like that, I remind him that we eat healthy as a family, and that by eating our "growing food," we'll make our bodies strong and full of energy. I don't focus on how our bodies look, but rather the awesome things they are capable of. If we can build up a strong confidence in him at this age, then perhaps it will be easier for him to rebuff the thousands of images he'll see as he grows up that push another message.

Thankfully, I'm not alone. There are wonderful groups out there that promote and support body positive language and efforts. One of them that I've become familiar with, Beauty Redefined, has recently been in the news for creating billboards in their hometown of Salt Lake City, Utah, that promote body acceptance.

Also, coming up: August 7th is Body Positive Day! Do your best to be body positive. Watch this video for inspiration. I'll check in that day with what I did. Can't wait to see what you choose to do! 

Warrior

Sometimes I wonder if my husband does things just so I have stuff to blog about.

A week or two ago he took EZ out for a bike ride and they didn't return until late in the day. I wondered what they had been up to, as we have lots of great little parks and special places to enjoy in the area. It turns out that they spent some time at a favorite toy store in town and returned with a butterfly net and...some sort of creepy, ugly, battle axe and sword wielding warrior action figure.

Yeah.

MD knew it wouldn't be kosher in my book either, because the first thing EZ said as he proudly held this toy out for my inspection was, "Daddy said you'd be upset with this, but that I could get it anyway."

Yeah.

EZ took his new action figure and ran away, already eager to terrorize a Lego village with it or something.

Action warrior in question

My first instinct was to grab the toy and toss it out in the next day's trash. My own "anti-violence" warrior rose up to resist this toy (ironic, no?). However, EZ had already grown quite attached to it and I could see that any effort on my part to take it away would have been met with a boat load of resistance, tears and grumpy dispositions all around.

So off he went to play while I had a little chat with MD. And talk we did. There was no fighting or angry accusations or lengthy tirades. He knew that I would more than likely be pissed about the action figure, but he felt that in the grand scheme of violent toys, that this was actually okay.

His main argument, beyond the fact that this was more of a fantasy toy than a real one (compared to a toy gun and the like, which he would never buy), was that he grew up with "violent toys" and he "turned out fine."

And it's true. He totally did. MD is not an axe wielding psychopath or even somebody who stomps on ants just for the heck of it. He doesn't yell or shout, use his hands in anger, and is generally one of the more peaceful people that I know.

But there's still some part of me that wonders...does that matter? Perhaps back in the '70s and '80s it was okay to have a so-called violent toy or two because we were only on the cusp of aggressive marketing and kid's shows were a little less intense (for lack of a better word). There also wasn't the immediacy of the internet or apps or other things that have us constantly plugged in.

My mind grew weary thinking of all the potential outcomes of playing with this toy. EZ really seemed attached. I tried in my own gentle way to impart to him why I disliked this toy so much. Yet, it didn't seem to make much of a difference. The plastic warrior had to watch him bathe and slept right next to him. It joined us at the breakfast table and on car rides. It even made it's way into EZ's backpack for our 5 day RV trip this past weekend.

And then...nothing. I haven't seen it since Monday, and he hasn't talked about it since. He's now pushing for a Woody doll (something that despite the abhorrent and fervent Disney marketing, is a bit more palatable in my book).

So where does that leave things?

I still wouldn't have bought it, had I been with him that day in the toy store, but I'm also not in the "this was irreparably harm his psyche and kind heart" camp anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm lining up to buy the next awesome yet violent toy, and neither is MD. I guess it becomes a case by case basis that will only occur more frequently as he gets older.

I just hope I have my own warrior inside of me to deal with it all.

Boys Don't Wear Dresses...Today

I had been asked to submit some photos along with a short editorial I wrote up for Bamboo Magazine's upcoming summer issue. The piece takes a look at young boys and gender expression. In addition to some general thoughts, I mixed in a few personal stories as well. The editors asked for some photos of EZ playing dress up, yet all of the candid shots I have didn't quite match the aesthetic of the magazine (i.e. you can see piles of unfolded laundry or dirty dishes in the background), so I decided it was time to whip out the camera and stage a little photo shoot.

I explained to EZ that I wrote an article and needed a few pictures to go with it. I asked if he'd mind playing with his kitchen while I snapped away. He had no problem and I was able to get a handful of cute pictures, yet none that stood out to either me or the editors.

Totally adorable, but not exactly what we were going for...

Then...it rained. And rained. And rained. For almost two weeks. And I was unable to get any good photos outdoors (because we just could not escape the unfolded laundry and dirty dishes indoors!).

Finally, this past weekend we were blessed with beautiful sun (and heat and humidity) and I took advantage of it. I reminded EZ about needing some more photos and asked if he'd be okay with playing dress up with his best friend.

They occasionally spend hours all dolled up in fancy dresses playing Princess, so I didn't think it would be that hard to have him don a dress for a few minutes while I snapped some photos. EZ had other ideas.

"Ima, dresses are for girls. I'm a boy. I'll wear a tie," he informed me as his friend eagerly put on her ruffled tutu.

I paused, weighing my options. There was no way I was going to force him into a costume, even for the sake of an article. The whole point to my parenting philosophy is to allow him to feel comfortable enough to express himself in whatever manner he chooses, and while some days that might be wearing a princess dress, other days it's a tie (and some days it's wearing nothing at all. sigh.).

And...he's 4. Some days he does play around with the idea of stereotypical gender norms like "boys wear ties and only girls wear dresses." So, we talk about it. While I'd never force him to wear something he didn't want to, I let him know that boys can wear ties and so can girls...that whoever wants to wear a dress may do so. I remind him that he's free to make his own choice.

I still had a photo to take, however.

Before I had time to figure out what to do, the kids decided for me.

"Butterfly!" they shouted at the same time.

EZ had spotted a pair of pink, sparkly butterfly wings and a purple silk scarf, asking me to tie it around him.

"I'm a dad butterfly," he explained, in case there was any confusion.

"Great!" I exclaimed, watching as he ran around, fingers atop his head for antennae.

I was able to snap a bunch of really wonderful pictures and can't wait to see which one the magazine ends up using. However, the experience reiterated for me the importance of offering choices and working with whatever comes up...even if that means that my child wants to wear a dress tie butterfly wings! 

My little butterfly

Genderless From Birth

It's no secret that I'm all for pushing the boundaries of antiquated gender norms. My son wears pink, has long hair and frequently paints his nails. We do our best to encourage play of all kinds, from T-Ball to art/music to imaginative play (like "family" or "princess" - 2 current top favs). I strive to check my own language and behavior, doing my best to show that it's not about gender, but rather about who you are that matters.

I write articles about this topic. I tweet about it. I speak about it at length with fellow parents, friends, family and the occasional stranger on the street.

I feel that it's important to have a dialogue about the social construct of gender and what it means in the larger scale of society. However, I also feel that while it's important to discuss, process and unpack issues surrounding gender, it's also possible to go too far.

Recently, this article about two Canadian parents who are raising their 3rd child, Storm, "genderless," popped up in my Facebook and Twitter feed, sending everyone a flutter. The comments on the article range from "Good for you!" to "Oh! The horror! You will screw up your child!"

I tend to fall somewhere in between.

Boy? Girl? Does it really matter. Look at the cuteness. Okay, I'm probably biased.
(EZ at 3 months old)

First, this is nothing unique. I briefly wrote about a Swedish couple who kept their child's gender a secret back in 2009.

Second, while I don't think there's anything "wrong" about attempting to raise your child genderless from birth, I feel that it might be a lot of effort for relatively little output. While it takes time and effort to train yourself to speak without pronouns, etc... a newborn baby is unaware of the concept of gender anyway (and will remain blissfully unaware of the concept until 2-3 years old). This begs the question then, who is this all for?

Rather than keep the baby's sex a secret in hopes that it will help change how we view gender, wouldn't it be more beneficial to actually disclose the baby's gender and explain how it's not such an identifying factor if you don't want it to be? To shroud it in secrecy seems to place more emphasis and importance on it rather than taking away the power, like the parents hope to achieve. In stripping their child of gender, they're making it into more of a "thing."

Going by the descriptions and photos of their two older sons, it seems they have been successful in raising two boys who are comfortable enough with their own gender to wear braided pigtails, whatever clothes they feel comfortable in (even if it means a pink dress), and involve themselves in whatever activity interests them. With seemingly well-adjusted children already, going this step further feels like a social experiment more than anything else.

And of course, the mama in me is amazed that two young boys have been able to keep their infant sibling's gender a secret as well. But of course, this is coming from the mom who's son shares pretty much every single detail of every single thing with every.single.person.

It will be interesting to see what comes of all of this. How will Pop (the Swedish child) and Storm turn out and what lessons will we eventually learn from these attempts at squashing gender right from birth? I just hope that while these children grow up presumably genderless, they don't lose a part of themselves in the process.

Sort of Sucky

Halloween 2008: I should have known where this was headed...

"Ima. Even if you were a vampire, you wouldn't eat me...right?"

"Vampires don't eat people, EZ. They just suck their blood, remember?"

"Oh. Okay. So, if you were a vampire, you wouldn't suck my blood...right?"

"Of course not, unless you were very, very, very tasty."

The conversation usually devolves into crazy tickles or utter silliness at this point. This conversation has also been occurring every couple of days lately, and sure...it might not seem like your typical conversation with a 4.5 year old, but lately...

It all started month or so ago when EZ came up to me with a book in hand, demanding to know what the picture on the cover was supposed to be. I flipped it over, checked it out, and...

Oh.

I hemmed and hawed as I silently considered my options. I could: A. Lie about it and say the girl on the cover had cut her lip. or B. Tell the truth.

And so began the obsession with vampires in our house.

To be fair, I might have been slightly obsessed with them before EZ even had an inkling as to what they were. And by obsessed, I mean I found myself devouring the more recent versions of vampires geared more towards the young adult set.

These are not your typical vampires, but rather a sanitized version provided for mindless entertainment. I mean, some of these vamps sparkle and pout for goodness sake. When describing them to friends, I liken them to eating Doritos - I know it's not good for me overall, but it's just so damn delicious. (Granted, there are a whole host of other issues with these various books, but we can get to that another day, perhaps)

So here we are...with EZ knowing the basics of vampires and also zombies.

Zombies?

Yeah. You can thank my husband's latest iPad app for that one.

But to be honest? I'm actually okay with it.

For some reason, I am way more comfortable watching my son run around all slack-jawed, shouting "braiiiiiiiiiins," than I am watching him run around shooting things with a gun built out of Legos.

I'm just not quite sure what that says about me.

You'll See.

Our neighbors had a young girl, "C," (age 8) visiting this past weekend and EZ quickly befriended her. They played with some remote control cars, and once the batteries died on those, found other ways to amuse themselves. At one point, I had gone back inside the house, yet could still hear them through the open windows. They seemed to be getting along great, so I was only partially listening until their conversation took a slight turn and grabbed my attention.

C had brought along her bike, which was heavily decorated in a Disney princess theme, and was riding it back and forth on the sidewalk. They began discussing her bike, since EZ was interested in it. He was explaining to her how he liked the princesses on her two-wheeler, and she was attempting to explain how that just couldn't be.

C: "Girls like pretty things like fairies and princesses."

EZ: "I like pretty things!!" (I could totally visualize the indignant expression on his face at this point)

C: "Boys like monsters and tattoos and stuff. You'll understand when you're older."

EZ continued to sputter in disbelief, while C continued to explain, despite being obviously exasperated, that boys just don't like princesses, a fact that EZ will only grasp when he's older. You know, like eight years old.

At some point, my husband, who had been doing some yard work, interjected his two cents. I listened as he explained how we had a book about a boy who likes to dress as a princesse, and how it is possible for boys to like different things. I loved that teaching moment, and was poised to run out there, My Princess Boy in hand, to have a little story time.

It didn't happen, though.

By that point, EZ had moved on and was digging in the garden for worms and C was ready to head back home. Before she left, however, she imparted a few more words of wisdom that only an eight year old could share. She directed them at my husband before peddling off on her bike.

"Somebody he'll have his first tattoo. You'll see."

And who knows...maybe he will. But not until he's much older...at least 10!

In other princess news, we picked the winner of the My Princess Boy give-a-way yesterday. Congrats to Becky (and her kids Maya & Isaac)!

Interview: Cheryl Kilodavis

A few weeks ago I had the absolute pleasure of interviewing Cheryl Kilodavis, author of the highly acclaimed book, My Princess Boy.

What started off as an interview for an article quickly turned into what felt like a conversation amongst old friends who started plotting bi-coastal play dates for their sons. While I would love to share our entire two hour phone chat with you all, my transcription skills are sorely lacking. However, I have managed to transcribe some of my favorite moments between us... (My bits are in the regular font and Cheryl's are in purple italics)

***

What prompted you beyond encouraging your own son to actually writing the book?

I needed a tool...it was really sort of a selfish move. I went to the bookstore. We do everything with books with teaching both of my kids and having conversations. And to my surprise, there weren't any books that focused just on young boys who love to play princess. It was more focused on gender confusion or sexual orientation, and my son was two at the time when he started showing interest in things pink and sparkly. So I thought, I'm not going to introduce that at two, you know? He's way too young. 

After going through my own process of acceptance...because I initially was redirecting. And then finally my older son, he just says to me "why can't you just let him be happy?" and I realized that it was my issue. That I was uncomfortable, so I was trying to really control Dyson to be what would make me comfortable versus what was making him comfortable. So, the book is really a result of my journal entries and because there weren't any books out there I went to the local copy shop and printed it out and started giving it out to his teachers and any playdates...anybody that would have time with Dyson. I didn't want them to be with him and crush his spirit. Really the book was a way to say that exclusion hurts and when you make comments it hurts and will you just accept me for who I am.

My Princess Boy: BOOK GIVEAWAY!

Back in January I came across a video of Cheryl Kilodavis and her son Dyson being interviewed on the Today Show. I watched with rapt interest as Cheryl described her son as "her princess boy," because of his love of all things pink and frilly. Not only did Cheryl fiercely defend Dyson and his choices, but she went a step further, writing a book to help in the battle for tolerance and understanding.

Cheryl's book, My Princess Boy, is a short and sweet reminder that while we're all different, we all want to be accepted just the same as anyone else.

My Princess Boy - by Cheryl Kilodavis

Stumbling upon that clip was more than serendipitous, as I had been working on a post about my own princess boy. It was both comforting and reassuring to see that there were other mamas out there who had similar boys and were just as proud of them as I am of EZ.

As time went by, I was happy to see Cheryl on a few more talk shows and websites, promoting not only her book, but the message of acceptance. I was encouraged by Cheryl's story and was so happy to see more dialogue about breaking down stereotypical gender boxes, even if it wasn't neccessarily couched in those terms.

Then, as luck would have it, about a month or so ago, I somehow finagled myself an interview with Cheryl as part of some research I was doing for an upcoming article. Through a flurry of emails with her publicists, we settled on a time and I eagerly awaited our phone date. I had no idea what to expect and what we would talk about beyond the few questions I had for her.

Two hours (and 3 dropped calls) later, I had not only interviewed somebody I deeply respected, but I had gained a friend in the process.

In the world of parenting it can be hard to find folks that share similar thoughts and values, and it can be even harder to find ones that speak so freely and so loudly about them. My Princess Boy is the perfect was to easily share those ideals in a simple, yet powerful manner.

If you haven't yet had a chance to check this book out, now is the time to do so! I am offering up a free book giveaway for one copy of My Princess Boy. With colorful drawings and a beautiful message, this book is a must-have for those who want to continue to spread the message about unconditional friendship, differences and acceptance. Perhaps you know a Princess Boy in your life or just like to read about princesses in general.

HOW TO ENTER: All you need to do is comment below by Saturday, April 30th. I will randomly select one comment on May 1st as the winner and you will receive a hard copy of My Princess Boy soon after.

*Also - while bits and pieces of my interview with Cheryl made it into the article I've written, there was so much more from our chat that I wanted to share, and will be writing up a good chunk of it to post later this week. I found our talk inspiring, and think you will as well, and I hope you come back to check it out!

Handsome In...Any Color

I figured it was perfect timing for this post, especially hot on the heels of the whole "Toemageddon." In addition to allowing my son to have his nails painted, I've also been known to allow him to wear barrettes in his hair, pink clothes and even the occasional twirly skirt. *Insert shock and horror here.*

It's true...I've been known to complain about the lack of diversity in boy's clothing. I admit to sometimes leafing through catalogues, a bit envious of the color and options afforded to little girls while boys clothes don't seem to go beyond the typical jeans, sweatpants, plaids, blues & greens. While I can sometimes find a gem hidden between the racks in most big name clothing stores, it's usually more frustrating than fun.

In addition to my own desire to diversify EZ's wardrobe, I had embarked on some research for an article I wrote on gender stereotyping. I began a search for retailers that took the leap and offered clothes that just might eschew those carefully created gender boxes.

I didn't have to look too far at first. It just so happens that my own sister in law designs a children's clothing line that truly embodies the essence of being a kid without further promoting antiquated gender stereotypes.  Created with eco-friendly materials and a whole lot of love and imagination, Handfull offers a wide variety of choice, making it easy for parents of both boys and girls. There are no limits on colors or appliques, and very rarely are specific items marketed towards one particular gender.

You can be certain EZ will be rocking this shirt and I might even put in a request for a "mama size" one

Rather than being labeled by gender, the clothes are geared towards any kid with a love of color and creativity. The clothes themselves are simple, with appliques ranging from animals, nature, music, and more. There is literally something for every interest.

One of EZ's favorite sweatshirts is his Handfull banjo hoodie

Going one step further beyond simply offering an alternative choice, online store Handsome In Pink was created by two mothers, specifically in reaction to the limiting clothing choices found in mainstream retailers. Their mission statement is simple, yet seemingly profound in a time when little boys are being targeted for painting their toe nails.

 We believe that colors (such as pink and purple) and active imagery (such as firetrucks, tool belts, and electric guitars) belong to everyone and should be mingling, not dividing up along gender lines. 

Handsome In Pink certainly lives up to its ideals, offering a variety of cute onesies and shirts for  both kids and adults.

Being able to find a pink shirt with a truck on it might just be the answer for a parent who's son is super into trucks, but also loves the color pink. It's hard enough to find clothes for kids that aren't part of some overly-branded line or basically a walking advertisement for Disney and the like. To be able to find gems like these companies that sell tolerance and acceptance along with their clothes...well, that's the sort of style I dig.

Do you have a favorite retailer (both online or otherwise) that offers a choice beyond blue for boys/pink for girls?

Danger: Sparkly Toes Ahead

Careful. These sparkly toes may end society as we know it.

I had a couple of other posts almost ready to toss up today...one describing a workshop I attended at the inspirational CLPP conference this past weekend, and yet another post expressing (more) outrage at the attacks against Planned Parenthood. However, those two got pushed aside when I read this article.

A week ago I posted about J. Crew and how they included a picture of a Jenna Lyons (who I've come to learn is an executive director of J. Crew!) painting her son's toenails. I mentioned how a few people on J. Crew's Facebook wall had some snarky comments, but that overall, the picture was well received.

I apparently spoke too soon.

While I'm almost hesitant to link to the Fox News article that vilifies J. Crew, Jenna, and these photos for fear of spreading these ugly untruths, I have to believe that if you're reading this blog to begin with, you're aware enough to know what is fact and what is not.

The most disheartening aspect for me is that the author of the Fox News article is a psychiatrist, and so the fear that some people might take his word as gospel is very real. The author of the article, Dr. Keith Ablow, insinuates that by allowing her son to paint his toe nails pink that Jenna Lyons is planting the seeds of gender identity confusion in her child.

That line of thinking is completely mystifying in my mind. How is allowing a boy to paint his toe nails any more confusing than allowing a girl to play with toy tools? Both actions buck the stereotypical gender norms society has become overly comfortable with, but do either really jeopardize young children's gender identity?

There were many parts of Ablow's article that caused my blood pressure to rise and see red. While many of his points incited anger, some just left me scratching my head.

The fallout is already being seen. Increasingly, girls show none of the reticence they once did to engage in early sexual relationships with boys. 

If anybody can explain to me how allowing young boys to paint their toe nails or dress up in princess costumes relates to young girls engaging in sexual relationships with boys at an earlier age, I am all ears. Ablow continues with his rhetoric, confusing me even further...

...it will be a very big deal if it turns out that neither gender is very comfortable anymore nurturing children above all else, and neither gender is motivated to rank creating a family above having great sex forever and neither gender is motivated to protect the nation by marching into combat against other men and risking their lives.

The fact that my son plays "family" and lovingly cuddles his dolls (as well as paints his nails and dresses up on occasion) actually gives me hope that he will be a loving, caring and nurturing father (if he so chooses to be one). I don't think that by allowing young children the freedom to express their creativity and imagination is going to risk the breakdown of the "great American family," nor will it diminish the numbers in our armed forces. To connect to blurring of gender lines to these issues is jumping a huge gap with very shaky support.

What pains me the most is that here is a person with a voice that reaches many and he's essentially using it to preach that "different is bad." This sentiment is incredibly scary in a time where we've seen a rash of attempted (and sadly, successful) suicides amongst teenagers because they've felt bullied for being different. While it may not be blatant, the undercurrent of bullying in the Fox News article is certainly present, and I found myself unable to stay quiet about it.

Hopefully there are those of you out there who feel the same way...that allowing a boy to paint his nails or wear a dress won't actually be the end of the world. In fact, it just might be the beginning of a better one, filled with compassion, understanding and acceptance.

Fingers & Toes

A friend recently steered me towards J.Crew's Facebook page, which had posted a link to one of their employee's "weekend pick's." It sounds innocuous enough, right? Beyond colorful cardigans and sensible slacks, what could they include that would shock a handful of people?

Apparently, the staff member in question shared some photos of her hanging out with her son and painting his nails (in hot pink no less!). There were a few comments on the Facebook page that questioned why a young boy would want his nails painted and other comments sharing their disapproval.

One thing I have learned as the mother of a four year old, is that if the kid doesn't want to do it, then it most likely isn't going to get done... and it will certainly not be done with a huge, happy smile on his face as was seen in the photograph. We can safely assume that this young boy actually wanted his toenails painted.

And after all...is that such a stretch to not only believe, but accept as well? I sat there, reading the comments and shaking my head, thinking...yes! I should blog about this. But the more I thought about it, the more my head hurt. I just don't get it. If somebody could explain it to me, I'm all ears.

Lock & Load

From a 2007 UK Daily Mail online article

A couple of days ago, a friend posted this as her Facebook status:


It makes me sad to see little boys who only know how to play fighting, guns, chase and whatever other aggressive tv-related things. 


Her words gave me pause. I had been mulling over something similar the past week, and only after seeing her post, did I feel prompted to want to write about them. 

I've noticed that in the last couple of months my son has been focused on gun play, and I'll be honest - it unnerves me.

Why Men Should Support Reproductive Rights...like it ain't no thang

This couldn't be more timely. Hot on the heels of yesterday's post, comes this article by Aaron Traister, about why men should stand up for abortion rights.

Traister relays his own stories revolving around abortion - of his own mother and a past girlfriend. He goes on to share his wife's relationship with Planned Parenthood from an early age and how it affected their own relationship.

Through his own personal narratives Traister makes it perfectly clear how men are impacted by these issues and why they should care about Planned Parenthood's funding and abortion rights.

As a self-defined feminist who is raising a son, articles like Traister both excite and sadden me. Of course I'm thrilled that there are men out there advocating for reproductive rights and reminding others to do the same.

However, it bothers me that this is seen as unique and special, as something to be pointed at as a rare occurrence. While Traister should be applauded for his article and support of reproductive rights, just as anyone who supports these causes, I also wish it were more commonplace.

I wish my son was able to grow up in a time where it's not controversial or sensationalist to have a man stand up for reproductive rights, as if it's solely a fight for females. And so, in lieu of this being the case, I will work extra hard for that to be the norm for us.

Hopefully toting my son around when he was an infant, strapped to my back in his baby carrier, to all the various Planned Parenhood events and activities planted the seed, and as he grows up I will do my damnedest to nurture that seed so when he's older, supporting reproductive rights will be commonplace for him.

Boys Will Be Boys

My boys

The other day I found myself in the midst of a conversation with a fellow mama, because...what else is there to do while you're standing around at yet another 4 year old's birthday party?

We're both parents of young boys, and she has a newborn girl as well. We were trading "war stories" of our sons and commenting on the whole "boys will be boys" mentality. I tip toed around the issue, not wanting to start a heavy discussion revolving around how that phrase sounds awfully pigeon-holing and trite. 

Without unpacking that phrase, we both understood what it meant and the larger ramifications of it. In our society little boys will run around, shooting guns made of sticks while adults look on and shake their heads and mutter that well worn phrase. 

*My* Princess Boy

My son's best friend is a girl.

Maybe that's why he's into princess dresses.

Or...maybe it's because he likes how twirly they get when he dances or how sparkly and pretty they are.

Regardless of his reasoning, the fact remains that he's really into princesses at the moment.

A Completely Unsolicited Response

Let's ignore the fact that this blog has been more then "sleepy" lately (and just hope that fact will be remedied soon...) and get to the issue at hand.

Halloween 2008...and he *still* hasn't turned into a real bat. 

If you're one of the few people who have not had the pleasure of reading this blog post (entitled, "My Son is Gay") by NerdyAppleBottom - what are you waiting for? Go do so now...I can wait.
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Read it?

Good. Now, let's discuss.

Gimme a Head With Hair...

"Hair" and I go way back.

It all probably started when I was a wee one, not really having my own head of hair until two years old, maybe three. I look back upon my one-year old birthday pictures and see a little, mostly-bald girl in a cute dress, cake smeared all over her face.

My hair finally came in - flaxen wisps that somewhat curled when the humidity dictated it. It grew into a dark gold...thick and unruly. I have indelible memories of sitting on the floor watching television while my hair swam in de-tangling spray as a brush pulled through the snarls, tugging enough for my eyes to well up in tears. Yet, I still proudly paraded my long hair, day after day.